oDe To AlChEmY
by Brigadier-Erin-Lightning
Summary: Lots of miniskirts. Sailor Moon Spoofs. Exploding Christmas Trees. Riza Hawkeye teaches cooking. The entire cast turn into yokai. Welcome to drabbleville.
1. Reindeer

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

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**DISCLAIMER: **_I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. If I did, you would not see Roy Mustang (a.k.a. Sexy Fire-Snappy dude) in any of the episodes? Why? He'd be too bust trying to keep my clothes company in my closet._

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**EPISODE ONE: Reindeer**

_Alphonse and Edward apply alchemy to Christmas. And we learn Roy's secret identity....when a certain someone is too busy to remember his job!_

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Al rolled over in his bed, his eyes catching on that dusty white stuff that kept smacking soundlessly into the window of the quaint, yet tiny little room. He looked over at the little figure on the bed next to his, noticing that Edward wasn't asleep yet either.

"Oniichan?" asked Al. "Is something wrong?"

Edward had one of those "thinking-about-the-universe-and-trying-ever-so-hard-not-to-think-about-Roy-but-still-adding-the-colonel-into-every-theory-just-'cause" looks. He rolled over to look at Al when called. "I was just thinking," he said. "How can reindeer fly?"

Al blinked. "It's because they're magic," he answered with child-like innocence.

"There's no magic involved! It has to be some form of alchemy! I mean, things just don't fly, something makes them!" He sat up suddenly, punching a fist in the air. "If we could harness the power of the alchemy that allows objects to fly, then we will be able to TAKE OVER THE PLANET!!! And then I will no longer have to obey that-!" He paused, coughed into his hand once to stop himself from saying what he was about to say, sat down on the bed, and then dropped the knife he had picked up during his tirade. "I mean.." he said, "It'd be…um…cool to figure out what kind of alchemy makes that work.."

Al blinked, then nodded. "Yeah it would."

Silence.

"You think maybe that Santa's an alchemist?"

"I dunno, Al. What if he was?"

"That would explain the reindeer." Al shrugged.

"Yeah it would."

Silence.

"Goodnight, Ed."

"Goodnight Al."

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**At the North Pole…**

Santa stood in the midst of the North Pole, trying to shove his sleigh, reindeer and all, onto a giant transmutation circle.

"Ho,ho,ho, this thing gets heavier every year! You'd think jolly old Santa Claus would have lost a few pounds by now!" Santa joked with some of the gathered elves, who just shook their heads sadly.

"Just.a…..-heave, heave- little….bit…..furth…" There was a loud SNAP of wood against ice, and then a stream of jolly expletives, followed by a "uh-oh."

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**At the State Alchemy Office…**

"Roy?"

"What is it Maes?" Roy looked up from his paperwork.

"Santa called. He'll be a bit late. He couldn't get it on the circle again, broke the sleigh, something like that," Maes replied with a shrug.

"Right then." Roy went back to his paperwork.

"He says you'll have to replace him this year, maybe," Maes added.

Roy froze, shivered, gulped. Oh, not again, there was no way he was going to dress up in the old fat man suit and go around acting all happy-happy while breaking his back. "R…right, Maes. Call him back and tell him to get his ass down here NOW with that thing, or he'll be stripped of his permit…and we'll lower his salary."

"Whatever."

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**(a play-off of the fanfiction "Wazzup"….)**

"Santa?" Maes drew in a breath. "Wazzzzup?"

Santa paused. "Wazzup!"

"Wazz…..z.zz…up??!!"

"Wazzup!"

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**4 hours later..**

"Wazzup!"

"Wazz…z…zzzz..u…p.."

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**(Play-off finished)**

**Two days later..**

And Christmas wouldn't have come that year if it had been left entirely up to Santa. He was too busy having a chat with Maes to remember to finish his job. And Maes was too stupid to remind him.

However, the story didn't end there. A mysterious, raven-haired fat boy in a jolly red suit managed to pick up the slack and get all of the present-delivering finished just in time.

Hawkeye found Roy on this day, lying on the ground outside only five feet from the Alchemy office, face-first in the snow, with a giant, broken pile of wood behind him.

"Colonel?" Hawkeye asked.

Roy, twitching spasmodically, muttered, "Too…much….alchemy…cannot…even…move…finger….owch…"

**And that is how Roy Mustang saved Christmas.**

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**END of Episode One**

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**Authors Note: **_Just me, being stupid, got bored in class. Please review!_


	2. Wasn't Me

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

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**DISCLAIMER: **_I STILL don't own FMA. Maes…-heartheart-

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**EPISODE TWO: IT WASN'T ME, I DIDN'T DO IT! **

_WHO BROKE MY COFFEE MUG?_

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"You tell him!"

"No you tell him!"

"I didn't do it, you did!"

"You tell him!"

"You're the gay one, you tell him!"

"What does my preference in the gender of my companions have to do with anything? You tell him, you're older!"

"Precisely, which is why you're going to tell him. Listen to your superiors."

"I'm more superior then you."

"How so?"

"I can do alchemy without a transmutation circle. Can you?

"Uh-"

"What's going on here?"

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Roy stood in the doorway to his office, his eyes narrowed to slits, his gaze fixed upon two intruders: a terribly talkative Maes Hughes, and a teeny-tiny, chibi, bite-sized FullMetal, who had both frozen still as stones in the midst of their argument upon the Colonel's entrance. Roy was well-equipped in pajama-wear: a blue bathrobe and a paper stuffed in one hand, and he hadn't been expecting this company. His hair still hung wet, outlining his kawaii features.

"I repeat: What. Is. Going. On. Here?" Roy said, walking over towards his desk.

"Oh, good morning, Colonel!" Both of the others chimed in,. immediately scrambling like turkeys to get in his way, and block him from the desk.

"I was just coming to give you the morning report!" Maes said cheerfully, stuffing some paper into Roy's hand.

"Maes," said Roy, examining the paper. "This paper is blank."

"Yep!" Maes laughed uneasily. "There's…uh…nothing to report!" He grinned cheesily. "Guess it's been a good morning!"

"Right…" Roy shook his head. "And you, FullMetal?"

"I was…coming to…uh…say hi, yeah, that's right!"

Roy shook his head again. "Move out of the way, will you?" he said to the pair of idiotic, just-out-of-diapers delinquents.

"But, don't you want to go eat some breakfast or something?" asked Maes, again moving in the way.

"N-----o," Roy said. "I just want to sit down, have my coffee, and be left alone."

"But, um," stuttered Edward, moving in the way again.

"NOW!" Roy snarled, bringing his fingers up to that position just before a snap, where he could easily turn them both into cinders.

Edward and Maes skittered out of the way.

"Thank you," said Roy.

One step, two, three…Edward and Maes started edging towards the edge of the room.

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Hawkeye whistled to herself as she walked casually down the hallway. Ah, what a perfect, quiet morning. Now for some alone time with…well, with someone.

That's when she turned, hearing rapid footsteps, and jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being squished by a stampede of raging stupidity (a.k.a., Maes and Edward).

"Wait, hey, stop there! There is no running in the Hallway-" she started, and then heard a loud yell from the same direction the two had come from.

"WHO BROKE MY COFFEE MUG???"

One heartbeat, two, and then she watched as Roy Mustang, fuzzy bunny slippers and all, came crashing down the hallway, a trail of blackened, burning things left in his angered wake.

'So much for a quiet morning.'

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**THE END of EPISODE TWO**

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**Author's Note**: _Another one written in school. Bet none of you knew that Roy is actually just a normal guy, and that he does come into the office sometimes in just his bed clothes. Hmm...maybe he even lives somewhere in the State Alchemy Office when no one is watching, eh? O.o Makes you wonder, doesn't it?_


	3. Tree Lighting

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_I Still, still do not own this wonderful show which someday someone shall lock a dvd of it in a time capsule, and years from now, people will forget the show ever existed, then find it in the time capsule, worship it as God, then the whole thing will repeat itself. Yeah, like that.

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**EPISODE THREE: LIGHTING THE TREE**

_These are better then Christmas lights!

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Roy sulked into the room, snuffling miserably. "Today.." he said, sneezing into his hand, "We're going to decorate the office's Christmas t-t…r..ee…" he wobbled, tottering between that thin line of standing up and falling face-first onto the hard tile floor of the Alchemy office.

Maes grabbed him by the shoulders, righting him. "You okay there, Colonel?"

"I th-ink.. ACHOO!" he sneezed loudly, to the effect where the sound echoed off the walls. He wiped his nose with a pocket handkerchief, then muttered, "I think I'm sick."

"You should go lay down in bed," Maes suggested, taking on the worried-mother look.

"Nu-uh. I want to put up the Christmas lights on the…the.." he paused, gestured wildly in the direction of the tree. "On that thing."

Maes shrugged. "Suit yourself."

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**_Five minutes later..._**

Edward, Roy, Maes, and Alphonse were assembled and working…somewhat. Well, not really working. Edward was eating way more popcorn then he was actually stringing for the tree. Alphonse, the tallest one there, was busy knocking down the eight-foot evergreen over and over and over, in an attempt to get that damned blinking star on the top. Maes was singing "Jingle Bells" at the top of his lungs and shuffling back and forth, back and forth, shoving little tiny pieces of Christmas crap here and there.

Roy reached down for the lights, grinning softly. 'Ahh…fire…" he thought.

Just as his finger touched the little blue orb…KABOOM! The thing exploded, and there were simultaneous "pop!"s as each light blew up in turn.

For a minute, everyone paused to look stupidly at the accident. Roy seemed stunned. He wobbled for a minute, then fell over on the ground.

"Roy? Roy!" Maes said, rushing over.

A loud snore could be heard. Roy reached up a hand to grab a hold of Maes, as if the talkative man were just an oversized teddy bear.

BOOM! Maes suddenly lit up in a bright flash of flame and smoke.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, running madly in circles. Roy, still sleeping, clung to his arm, and was now on fire as well.

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Now, we all know how this is going to end.

Maes smashed into the Christmas tree just as Alphonse was putting the star on. The tree exploded, the star exploded, then Alphonse was knocked backwards, landing on top of Edward, who then had no place to run before the tree came crashing down, still flaming, on his head.

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"Oh my," chuckled Hawkeye as she finished getting the last ice pack for the blackened crew. "I guess I should have warned you all of what happens when Roy gets sick…"

Silence for about five seconds.

Riza Hawkeye fell backwards, laughing her ass seriously off.

What she didn't plan on…was that she landed right on top of Roy, who, like before, reached out and…

KABOOM!

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**END OF EPISODE THREE**

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**Authors Note: **_This was a fifteen minute ficlet, to see how well I'd do. More of an image drabble then a feast for the mind. -snicker- KABOOM!_

_Please review. Love ya'll._


	4. Chibi

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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_**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. But I HAVE spent the last three days stalking Vic Mignogna, a.k.a. for those who don't know, Edward Elric himself. Don't you feel jealous?

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**EPISODE FOUR: MERCHANDISE PROBLEMS**

_Nooo! Chibi Roy's head isn't supposed to pop off like that! And why can't I find any Homunculus and Maes tribute merchandise, god darnit!

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"Hey! Hey, FullMetal, check THESE out!" Roy banged loudly on the door to Edward's…house, room, whatever you want to call it.

The door slid open, and Ed's head peeked out, giving a gigantic yawn and muttering something to the equivalent of "What the hell time in the morning is it?"

"Look!" Roy grinned, shoving a fistful of little chibi FullMetal Alchemist keychains into Edward's hand. He snatched one back and waved it about wildly. "Look, look, it's me!"

The little Roy had a great big grin on his face, and a little tiny arm sticking out which was holding either a rose, or a tiny flame. Or maybe just a piece of unrecognizable red fabric.

Ed blinked. "Wow, it is." He said, then turned his attention to the other three figures: A little smiling tin-can representation of Alphonse, a boyish-looking Riza Hawkeye, and a little chibi Ed with his jacket hanging off his right shoulder, and great big boots on his dry-clean only feet.

"Haha, see? Look how short you are!" Roy mocked, bouncing around, waving his keychain proudly.

'SHORT? WHO'S THE CHIBI-SIZED RED-FELT HOLDER!" snarled Ed, diving forward with a automail kick to Roy's face.

Roy dodged out of the way. "Short, short, FullMetal is short!"

"Gimme that!" Ed lunged forward, snatching up Roy's keychain in the blink of an eye, and crushing it so tight in his hand that the little felt head went "pop!" right off.

Roy froze, then suddenly started sobbing hysterically. "MY HEAD!! NOOO! MY CHIBI, GLORIOUS, GIRL-MAGNET HEAD!!"

Edward chuckled. "Who's the girl-magnet, you pathetic bachelor?"

Roy, who had fallen to his knees and was cradling his chibi's head in his palm, stodd abruptly, and snatched up the Edward doll, taking it and throwing it at the real Edward's head. "Shuddap, shorty."

"I'M NOT SHORT!!"

Yada, yada, chasing ensued…

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**Five minutes later…**

Maes found four little chibi dolls laying on the ground next to Edward's house as he walked over to borrow some butter for the cookies he and Elysia were making.

Each of the chibis was decapitated.

He paused, looking at them, shook his head, and quickly left, thinking, "I am so glad I don't have my own chibi. It'd be frightening to see yourself with your head! And those things are tiny…the only one actually on scale was FullMetal's…." He paused, then started laughing hysterically.

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**END of Episode Four**

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**Author's Note: **_This one came from the fact that i went crazy at this year's Kunicon/Otakucon, and bought about a thousand little FullMetal Alchemist toys, including the little chibi plush keychains. After spending five hours riding home in a car, playing with them, this was just a little idea._

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**_SPECIAL:_ Erin Answers her Reviewers!**

**DemonicDragon:** _The first chapter's idea came from the fact that the kids in my computer class were discussing Santa while I was spinning around in my spinny chair and stuffing pocky in my face (Hello Kitty Pocky rules!), and I was thinking about writing a fanfiction. The idea kinda just popped._

**XDDDD: **_Yes, of course there are more. This drabble stuff is addictive._

**Gothkitty: **_Now, there's a lesson for ya, kiddies. Never sit in a swivel chair while reading drabbles._

**Rachel1: **_We all will invision him as Santa. And yes, school is a good place to write fanfictions, of course. it means you're not doing your work, which is a very good thing._

**Ninja-Rosette:** _-waves multiple autographs from Vic Mignogna in your face- Hey, I never said you wouldn't have to fight me for Ed. I just said I like Maes and Roy. -snicker-_

**Elle-Chii:** _It's not off-ness. Read the manga. Roy is a stupid flirt, and Ed is a bit more serious (sometimes), and Alphonse ruins everyone's fun, and Maes doesn't come in till the second or third book! MWAHAHAA!_

**Miamibabe: **_Were you at the Kunicon/Otakucon? Miami Rules, but their con isn't TOO great. It needs work on getting things to work on time. Btw, if you were there, you probably saw me. I was the chick dressed as Ouka the Divine Fist from .Hack. I was also one of the four chicks who followed Vic around mercilessly. Ah, the fun of stalking voiceactors._

_**Keep reviewing everyone!**_

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**_SPECIAL_: Erin Gives Her Christmas Present!**

_FullMetal Alchemist manga can be read online at ! So go there! Go there now!

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	5. Interrogation

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER:** _NOT MINE!_

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**EPISODE FIVE: MY COFFEE MUG**

_I KNOW you did it!_

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Roy had suceeded in tying FullMetal, Maes, Riza, Envy and Gluttony to hard wooden chairs. Above them in the darkened room, a flashligh bobbed on a string. Roy Mustang rubbed his temple, sighing piteously. You could see the little "throb-throb" of anger on his head as he turned to faced the tied-down victims.

"Who did it?"

"Did what?!" snarled Envy, struggling at the chair.

"WHO BROKE MY GODDAMNED COFFEE MUG!" Roy snarled back, sloamming a fist against the table.

"Temper, temper," muttered Envy, waggling his tongue at roy because he couldn't use his middle finger in the position he/she was in.

Throb. Throb.

Roy sighed again, then turned slowly, slowly, to look at each of his suspects. Maes was cowering, and trying desperately to rock his chair so hard that it would fall over behind FullMetal, and therefore make Maes himself well out of Roy's sight. Gluttony was trying to wiggle himself free enough that he would be able to slobber all over the ropes in an effort to get loose, or just fill his stomach. Riza was yelling something or the other and wobbling back and forth. Fullmetal yawned, making no move to do...well, anything.

"Okay, so who did it?" asked Roy. he turned first to Riza, starting at the end of the line, intending to work his way down through and find out the cause of this disaster of disasters, this most horrible, most dubious of crimes.

"DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME YOU SNOT NOSED BACHELOR KID!!!" she snapped, thrashing. 'YOU NEARLY BURNED ME TO PIECES AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING BUT COME INTO WORK!!"

Roy stepped back a bit. He looked at gluttony, waited a moment, then decided it useless to even bother asking the giant lump, who, by now, was contentedly chomping on a breakfast of ropes and wood.

He turned to Envy.

"Whaaaaat," whined Envy. "You think i did it?? I only wish i had thought of such a brilliant-hey, wait!! NO!"

FWOOSH! he lit up in a bright flash of fire.

Roy turned to Maes, who was cowering in the corner still. "Maes?" he asked, sternly, like a father scolding a disobediant son.

"It wasn't me.honest." sobbed Maes. "I was just having a talk with-"

'YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO USE MY PHONE FOR YOUR FUN!!" Roy yelled. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA TELL YOU THAT?"

Maes finally tipped his chair over, and was now hiding behind Edward, shivering out of fear of the little man with the big yell. Well, he wasn't THAT little...

He turned at last to Edward, who, by now, had actually gotten free, and was sitting in a cocky position in his chair, yawning noticably. Ten seconds...twenty...Ed looked up. "Yeah, I broke it, so what?"

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"Cool your jets. I'll make it up to you."

"MAKE IT UP HOW?"

Edward stood, started towards the door, paused right next to it, and waggled a finger in the air. "See you tonight, Flamey." Then he left.

Roy's jaw dropped. Literally dropped. A tiny bead of sweat dripped down his face. The entire room stood silent for a minute before...

"See you tonight, Flamey," mocked Envy, giving a little whistle.

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**END of Episode One**

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**Author's Note: **_Wow, this one's been sitting in my document manager for a week now. I just noticed. It's a second chapter of the dealy with the coffee mug. Just an excuse for some yaoi. There's always got to be an excuse for that._


	6. Nothin

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_MY VIC!!!! Everything else don't belong to me.

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**EPISODE SIX: Pointless**

_A story that almost was.

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Edward was walking towards the burned-up remains of his home, with Alphonse and Den by his side. Wasn't often that he actually stopped around to take a look. Yep, the place was just as burned up as he remembered….cept…

"Hey! What are you doing sleeping in my house, you hobo-lizard!"

Godzilla, who was not, in fact, sleeping in the house, merely standing on the charred remains, looked down. "Oh, sorry." He stomped away, accidentally stepping right on top of Alphonse and squishing him flatter then a quarter.

"AL!" Edward yelled, but then just looked at the quarter, shrugged, and left.

Den looked at Alphonse. "Mmm…lunch…"

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**END of Chapter Six**

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**Authors Note: **_Just pointless. Don't know where the idea came from. Sounded good. For those who don't know, Den is Winry's dog._

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**SPECIAL: More Answers!**

**Gurl2000:** _I dunno. I think it's because it's extra strawberryish and if you imagine it as Hello Kitty's head, it is quite enjoyable to eat it.... -sweatdrop-_

**KageNoKatana: **_Were you one of the chicks that ran upstairs to the rooms to watch FMA, then came down and was looking for Vic to give him a hug, then sat with us at one in the morning in front of the panel to wait for him, only to find out he cancelled? HAHA, I bought nothing but FMA stuff! I now own the pocket watch!!!!! :P_

**Ninja-Rosette: **_1) Did you ever see that later episode where Roy and Edward were.....oops. Nevermind. No spoilers here, ladies and gentlemen, move along please.2) Roy entertain me? Well, he does look cute when he's dancing or insane or doing the snappy fire deal. Ed is still so adorable with his mass quantities of angst. Hey, hey, you gave me a new drabble idea!_


	7. Remember

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_-sob- Chimaeras... -sob-_

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**EPISODE SEVEN: PLEASE REMEMBER**

_Don't' Forget 10.OCT.11

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"Hey, I looked in your watch," Winry muttered, walking as fast as she could to keep pace with the brothers.

Ed paused.

Alphonse paused, looked at Ed, gave his brother a little shake on the automail shoulder. "You okay, brother?" He asked.

There was a long silence. Finally, Ed started walking again.

The other two scrambled to catch up, Winry chattering away.

"What does 10.OCT.11 stand for?" she asked.

Another pause.

Ed waited about a minute and a half this time, before turning, and, with a grin, answering, "That was the first time I got you drunk off your cute little arse. Be glad you don't remember anything about that night."

Winry gulped.

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**END of EPISODE SEVEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Well, originally, Edward's answer was supposed to be, "That was the first time I got laid." But it just didn't sound right. And, even I decided it wouldn't have been nice to have said something about Ed and Roy. Or Ed and Envy. I still like the way it turned out. Maybe I'll do more of this one soon. Oh, and, if you didn't know, 10.OCT.11 is written on the inside of Ed's silver watch, and it was the night that he burned down the Elric house._


	8. Too Sexy

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, your ornaments are history!_

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**EPISODE EIGHT: TOO SEXY**

_Oh yeah, we know we're hot.

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Roy yawned widely, stretched, brushed his hair out of his eyes as he stared into the staring reflection in the full-length mirror. See those bags under his eyes! He hadn't slept in a week (i.e. the insanity is setting in).

He snickered softly, suddenly getting the strangest idea into his soon-to-be-famous head.

He looked down the hallway to the left.

He looked down the hallway to the right.

Grin! The coast was clear.

With a little playful smirk, he flexed infront of the mirror, saying to no one in particular, "I'm too sexy for this shirt..." Pause. He switched positions, flexed again. "Oh yeah, too sexy for this shirt."

Another look to the left.

Another to the right.

GRIN!

He started to dance around in front of the mirror, shaking that cute little tush of his and singing offhandedly.

BOOM! Roy's eyes turned to the mirror as he froze, sensing someone behind him. He did one of those deep sweatdrop looks, where his eyes moved so very, very slowly from the mirror to the man, standing behind him...

The man who was a giant in the small building, and whose bulging muscles had just ripped off his shirt again....

The man who was currently surrounded by pretty pink sparkles as he flexed, and said, "I'm too sexy for you all, too sexy for you-"

Armstrong paused.

"You okay Colonel?"

Roy lay on the ground, twitching in agony.

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**Now, this all would have been over, if it hadn't been for the fact that, three hours later, the Colonel became very bored to just sit in his room.**

Roy Mustang's fingers drummed the table, and he started to hum the infernal song, until finally, he stood up and started to dance again, making sure his door was securely closed.

"I'm too sexy for my land, too sexy..."

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**Well, one thing led to another and sooner or later...**

"Yeah! I'm too sexy for your party!" yelled Ed, jumping on the table, shirt off, his arm slung around Roy's shoulders and a big grin on his face.

"He's too sexy!" Roy added, his upper body also exposed, slapping ed on the back.

"Well I'm too sexy for you all!!" Envy added, stepping up from behind the two. He started posing as if this were a photography shoot, grinning stupidly.

"how'd you get in here?!" Ed and Roy both exclaimed at the same time.

The Homunculus gave an annoyed sigh and shook his head. "Through the DOOR, you idiots!"

"Colonel!" came a voice through the door. A feminine voice.

The door was wide open, and as Roy turned to look....

....Riza Hawkeye's head popped in and muttered, 'You have a-" Pause.

Her eyes went to Roy. Then to Ed. Then to a sneering Envy.

One word came out of her lips as she slammed the door shut:

"Fruitcakes!"

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Ed looked at Roy.

They both looked at Envy.

"WHAT?" Envy yelled.

"We're too sexy for this song!" They both said, then started dancing.

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**END of EPISODE EIGHT**

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_**Author's Note: **Mindless insanity. Whoopee! For the fangirls!_


	9. Unfortunate

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_Random lyrics time! Lets go hand in hand to lovely land...Sing it with meh! _

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**EPISODE NINE: UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES**

_See you tonight, Flamey.

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Roy stood outside of the door to the hotel room where FullMetal had been placed. A tiny bead of sweat rolled down his face. He reached, shakily for the door, paused. Heturned, looked both ways down the hallway. No one was coming. Good.

He reached....slowly, cautiously...for the doorknob.

"Gonna just stand out here all night?" Envy asked, poking his head out of the door, brushing one hand back through his unruly spikes. He gave Roy an annoyed once-over. Then snickered.

"Wh-what are YOU doing here??" Roy yelled, jumping back in surprise.The dog of the military looked like he had just seen a ghost.

"Shut up!" hissed Envy, snaking one arm out and covering the Colonels mouth with a look of scorn. A little grin popped onto his face and he asked, "You WANT someone to know you're here? I'll get their attention for you." He took a deep breath as he removed his hand from Roy's astonished face, and was just about to yell, when Roy reached out, grabbed him by the arm, and jerked him inside Edward's room.

The door slammed shut.

* * *

"What are YOU doing here?" Roy repeated, shakily.

Envy meandered across the room and slung himself on a cushy red velvet couch. He toyed with a loose thread for a minute, before muttering, "Wow, these lead roles live it up, don't they?"

"ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!" hissed Roy.

"Okay, okay," replied Envy, putting a hand to his headband and shaking his head in a exhausted fashion. "Touchy, touchy."

"I'm waiting."growled Roy.

"I was just curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat," snarled Roy.

"Well," Envy said. "what are YOU doing here?"

Roy broke out in a bright red blush and stammered, "I-I"

Envy gave the peace symbol, smirked, and said, in a girlish voice, "See you tonight, Flamey."

* * *

Edward Elric reached for the hotel room's door, only to find it unlocked. he peeked in the open door to find the entire room trashed completely. And the delightful velvet cushions were ripped!!!

Just as he opened his mouth, a gloved hand reached out from behind him, covering his mouth and turning him around.

Well, now, he was standing, facing himself.

The other him whispered, "Shh...he's sleeping."

Edward was turned around to see a rather...dead....or maybe just unconcious?....Roy Mustang, draped messily over his bed. Ed's eyes widened. He turned to see the other him...

....smirk, then pat him on the head, muttering, "Toodles, midget," and then quickly exit the room.

Ed looked out the door, but there was no one in the hallway. He looked at Roy. Only one sentence came to his mind right now:

"What the fuck just happened?"

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**END of EPISODE NINE**

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_**Author's Note: **Whoa, sorry about the language, everyone. Okay, back by popular demand, another installment of that darned coffee mug episode. There are most likely going to be maybe two more parts to it. Haha, running drabbles. I love Envy....Oo_

_

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**_SPECIAL: More Answers!_**

**Cringe: **_Well, thank you. The ideas are pure stupidity. i come up with them when I've been doing something stupid myself, been listening to too much music...any old time, really. if I get a base idea, then it sort of just tumbles on and on when i write. Ever get the feeling you're possessed? Lol. Anyway, here's another coffee mug one. I'll dedicate it to you, how's that?_

**tigerofthewind: **_You are NEVER too sexy for reviews!!_

**Tiger Mononoke: **_X.x I love yaoi. Yes, yes, though, please please please go to the cons!!! Track down Vic Mignogna and stalk him! (Don't worry, he likes it) (lol) (just make sure to watch whatever luggage he's brought with him. He's good at losing things) However, if you do go to a con and manage to get Crispin freeman's autograph before me, I'm gonna have to pound you._

_Oh yes, and the three rules of cons:_

_1) Don't sleep on the furniture. (Unless you have someone with you that will wake you when the security guards are coming. Make sure they aren't easily distracted by bright lights or loud noises or you're screwed.)_

_2) Bring your own food. (Sometimes the cons like to starve people. that way, there's more competition at the ramen-eating contest.)_

_3) Make sure to have a schedule. (You don't want to do what i did and...ahem ACCIDENTILY.....end up in the hentai rooms._

**Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl: **_You touch my Envy you die._


	10. Angst

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_YES!! MY FIRST FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST COSTUME IS FINISHED!! If anyone can guess who I'm cosplaying...I'll do a special chapter for ya, dedication and all. One guess per review. _

_

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**EPISODE TEN: Angst**

_Yep. It weighs a ton. Here, you carry it.

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_

"Brother?" Alphonse leaned over towards Edward, who looked asleep in his bed, but was really just sitting there.

"What?" yawned Ed, rolling over to look back at his brother.

"What are you doing?"

"Just thinking, Al, just thinking." He paused, then smiled lazily. "I'm so happy..."

Pause.

Al rolled back over.

THUMP!

"Brother?" Al asked, sitting up so fast that he smashed his head into the overhead lamp, which shattered to pieces. Al's mind told him, "ouch, that hurt". Then he remembered. haha, glass can't hurt metal.

Ed twitched from underneath a gigantic weight that said "5,000 lbs" on it. Or maybe, that was just that little thing that happens when you die and your body moves afterward of its own accord. It was hard to tell.

Al paused. he looked at the smashed window, which he hadn't noticed bcause he had thought the glass was from just the overhead lamp. Armstrongs head was sticking in the window. Edward was smushed flat.

Armstrong waited just a minute, before whispereing, "FullMetal Alchemist?"

"I think-" Al started, then stopped. he thought about it, poked the giant weight, then said, "I think you killed him!"

"WHA!!" Armstrong yelled, jamming himself through the window, lifting up the weight, and looking down at ed.

Ed twitched. 'Every.....bone.....in.....my......body...."

"OH NOOOO!" yelled Armstrong, sobbing, his nose dripping in true Strong Arm Alchemist style. "I KILLED HIM!!! I JUST WANTED TO RETURN THIS!!!"

"Return it?" asked Al.

Armstrong sobbed. "Yes, it has his name on it, see?" He held up the weight. There was Ed's name, carved all over it.

Al thought a minute, then turned to Ed. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to the weight.

Ed twitched. Xx "My angst."

Pause.

"No wonder he's always so grumpy," thought Al.

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**END of EPISODE TEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Haha, just felt like writing this one. No real motive, cept for the fact that Ed seems to have a lot of angst and he's always grumpy. Another one of my mindless drabbles. Let's see how many of these things i can come up with._

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**REVIEW ANSWERS**

**NC Ace: **_I like making funny fanfictions. Most of mine, if you'll note, are angst-ridden and dramatic. Especially if you're familiar with "Rain: A Shinomori Story" and my "Confidential Confessions" fictions. I had my Hellsing Sk8er Boi fanfiction, but it was deleted due to the fact that half the chapters were script form. That was my only humorous fanfiction. So, i decided to write a new one, and this just ended up the topic. I enjoy FullMetal Alchemist.  
In fact, I'm working on a new fanfiction called "Roses", the combined story of four yaoi couples in an alternate universe sort of thing. Another one of those "eh, drama," things. _


	11. Fairy Tale

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_MY VIC!!!! Everything else don't belong to me.

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**EPISODE ELEVEN: One Upon an Alchemist**

_Dragons, knights, all the good stuff. The most messed up fairy tale you ever heard.

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_

_**Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.**_

Riza Hawkeye popped, _magically_, into the room, outfitted in a beautiful pink dress.

"PINK??? WTF???" She yelled. "SOMEBODY CHANGE THIS DAMNED THING **RIGHT** NOW!"

"Right away, princess," muttered a tiny fairy, that popped up, changed the dress to blue, and then dissapeared.

"Well, that's a little better..."

_**Who had, an, er...pet wolf!**_

Black Hayate sat on the ground in front of Riza, and yawned widely, before falling asleep.

Riza sweatdropped. "Some wolf."

_**And a brave knight to protect her.**_

Roy stepped into the room, his armor clanking as he did so. He paused, and looked down at the armor. he flexed, then looked at it again.

Riza watched in confusion.

_**Who was easily distracted by shiny things.**_

"Oooh, shiny!" muttered Roy, and started hugging himself (in an effort to cuddle the "shiny" of the armor).

"You have GOT to be kidding me," said Riza, shaking her head and walking away.

* * *

_**One day, a great dragon attacked her castle.**_

A dragon with oddly spiky hair and black scales popped up on the balcony. It was about human-sized, and looked oddly....cute...

"I'm here for the chick!"

"Why, exactly?" asked Riza, with a yawn.

"'Cuz that's what i do, i guess," muttered the Envy-dragon. "And I do this," He opened his mouth and blasted flame at the walls of the building. The flame hit the brick, flared, then died and fell to the ground as cinders.

O.o "That worked well," muttered Envy-dragon.

_And made off with the princess._

"Oh well." Envy grabbed Riza. "You're coming with me!"

"Get off, get off!" Riza started bashing at Envy's head. "GET AWAY FROM ME!! BLACK HAYATE!!"

Black hayate curled into a tighter ball, rolled over, then yawned and slept on.

Riza sweatdropped. "ROY!!!"

Roy's head popped out of the door. "OMG! Put my girl down!!" He snapped his fingers. "Take this!"

Nothing happened.

Riza looked at him. "What's wrong?"

"The armor's covering me glov-" Suddenly the entire inside of the suit lit into a brilliant flame. "AHHHHH!!" Roy ran around in circles screaming.

(For those who didn't know, he snapped hsi fingers, and, since the gloves were inside the armor, the inside of the armor lit on fire)

"IDIOT!"

"WEell, cya'll," muttered Envy, and jumped off the balcony, landing gracefully on the ground, and running off.

"No wings?" asked Riza.

"The producer is cheap," answered Envy-dragon.

_**And took her back to it's lair, where the other dragons awaited.**_

Envy threw Riza inside the cave, and then crawled in. Inside were four other dragons: An enormous, fat dragon with a huge mouth; a Chinese-style dragon with long black fur, a black and white spiked dragon; and a small blue dragon with an eyepatch.

"What's up, guys?"

The Chinese-dragon, Lust-dragon, looked at Envy and yawned.

The blue dragon did the same.

"Now who's better then you, huh, huh Greed?" mocked Envy-dragon, looking at the spiky dragon.

"Why you!"

A fight ensued, with much tearing of scales and flames going everywhere.

"STOP FIGHTING!" snarled Bradley-dragon.

Riza just watched, bored.

"Can i eat it?" asked Gluttony-dragon, pointing a giant fist at Riza.

Everyone sweatdropped.

_**Well, luckily for the princess, a brave wizard stumbled upon the lair of the dragon.**_

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" came a boyish scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

**30 MINUTES LATER**

Edward flopped on the ground behind the dragons.

"How'd you get in here?" snarled Bradley-dragon.

"Back door chute," muttered Ed, standing up and pointing a automailed finger behind him at the little hole.

"I knew we shouldn't have had that installed," muttered Lust-dragon.

_**The dragons were so frightened of him, that they all flew away.**_

"Frightened of what?" muttered Envy under his breath.

"Just play along," whispered Lust-dragon. "We get paid big bucks for this."

"Uh...uhm..." Ed thought. 'Scared of what?? Wait, there is that...well...here it goes..."

"BEWARE MY AWESOME SEXINESS!!" Ed ripped his shirt off like Armstrong would have.

The dragons blinked, looking at him a moment. There was a shared look between them, then they all flew away, fake screaming.

_**And the princess was saved!**_

"Yesh!" yelled Ed.

"This doesn't mean you get to kiss me," snarled Riza. "Just get me home, you freak."

**Outside...**

**.....The dragons were laughing so hard...that the great San Francisco earthquake was started.**

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END of EPISODE ELEVEN

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_**Author's Note: **I don't know where I got this idea. Hehehe Envy dragon. Well, that was definately a little out-of-character, go ahead and say it. All of the chapters, though, tend to bounce around from OOC to in-character. It's a happy mix that'll satisfy everyone. Or so i hope. (Please don't get me fired!)_

_(REVEIW!!)_


	12. Therapy

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_Have you never been mellow? Have you never tried? Have you never been happy? Just to here this sooooong!!_

_Nope, I'm not gonna be Edo. i wish, though. Anyone else wanna try to guess the costume?_

_

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**EPISODE TWELVE: Therapy**

_The buzzer game!

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_

Ed struggled against the chair straps. "Damn, they're metal. Why am i always getting tied to chairs?"

"Stop complaining, Edo-kun," muttered Roy, tied to hsi own cold metal chair.

Maes struggled, trying to knock the chair over behind Edward. "Roy's not gonna yell at me, again, is he FullMetal?"

"No, he's not," sighed Ed.

"Excuse me, i believe I'm in the wrong.."

Death glare was shot from edward at the person who just entered...

...who was none other then Hoenheim.

"Nope," replied a voice from behind Hoenheim. The doctor shuffled into the room, a trail of Homunculus, Winry, and Black Hayate following him. "Please take a seat."

Everyone shuffled to their seats, and the doctor locked them in.

"What the x is this??" snarled Edward.

The doctor stepped back. "you're all hooked into electric, flame, or baka-hammer chairs. In front of you is a panel of buttons. There is a button for every seat in here. When you push a-

BRING! A flame-thrower suddenly popped out of Edward's chair and burned him to a crisp.

Envy snickered. "Like that?" he asked the doctor.

"Um..yes...anyways..."

BUZZ! An electric charge shot trough Winry. "HEY!" she yelled.

"Sorry," said Ed. "i was trying to hit the girly-man over there." He pointed at Envy.

"NONE OF THAT!" yelled the doctor. He coughed into his hand, then finished. "All the buttons are unlabeled. there's one that shocks yourself too. Just let out your anger."

Everyone exchanged glances, then started pushing buttons at random.

A flamethrower kept popping up and scorching Roy repeatedly. A baka hammer appeared at random and smacked Maes. The homunculus were getting torched, burnt, and smashed.

"Hahahaha!!" yelled Envy, half-crazed, smashing in one button over and over. "Take that, Flame-boy!!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE!!" Ed and Roy both tried to attack Envy, but their buttons missed. Ed's bashed Lust with a baka-hammer. Roy's flamed himself.

Chaos ensued.

After about ten minutes, everyone sorta looked like this: X.x

'Cept for Hoenheim. He looked untouched.

"WHAT THE?" snarled Edward. "What about him?"

"Oops, it seems I forgot a button for his seat," said the doctor.

Hoenheim flashed everyone a little knowing smile.

"WHY YOU!!" Ed and Roy ripped themselves from their seats, and proceeded to flame and zap the doctor.

Envy chuckled. He pressed a button repeatedly that zapped Riza Hawkeye.

"WHO THE HELL IS ZAPPING ME?" she screamed after the 50th time.

Envy pointed at Gluttony.

Gluttony drooled all over the buttons. Thsi wasn't a very good thing, though, because...suddenly....the drool his the buttons electric wires, and....

The entire room's control panels exploded, and electricity and flames, and baka hammers, were suddenly shooting every which way.

* * *

**_It was about an hour later, when everyone had managed to get free, that they were walking out of the room..._**

"Hammer....must....fear hammer..." muttered Maes, shaking.

"Patients..." muttered the doctor, clinging to Maes. "Must...fear...patients..."

Hoenheim brushed himself off, looked at the other two, shrugged, then ran out the door.

**_.....or at least, three people had gotten free...._**

**_I don't think we want to know what happened to the others....._**

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**END of EPISODE TWELVE**

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_**Author's Note: **Haha! The Simpsons gave me the idea. Hoenheim...ah, yes, he's so adorable!!_

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**REVEIW ANSWERS**

**Tiger Mononoke: **_Yaoi is wonderful! ahem, oops, nervermind. forget I said that. Yesh, yesh, I love Crispin. I've got his email addy, but he's very busy. He hardly ever answers his mail._

**Bow-Down-to-Keiko: **_Nah, you see, what all of us didn't know, was that Roy was a little...strange about that meeting, and came about 5 hours too early. And Ed forgot. Yeah, that too._

**Bellatrix Lestrange9: **_Nah, not Edo. I was thinkin something a bit different._

**Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl: **_Nobody's immortal, my friend. i shall find a way to....Oops, sorry, shouldn't have let that slip. yesh, yesh, Envy is adorable. Don't hurt him!_


	13. Hoenheim

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_Hoenheim ?.? Hehehe...Warning: This chapter is OOC!!_

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**EPISODE THIRTEEN: Hoenheim**

_Never watch Jerry Springer, kids.

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_

"Alright, so, Mr. Edward, share with us. What is your number one regret?" asked Jerry, shoving a microphone in ed's face.

"Well," snuffled Edward, who was no more then eight. "I never..." -sob- "I never knew my father!"

"Someone mention me?" asked Hoenheim, riding in on a little unicycle with an evil chuckle. he was dressed in black from head to toe.

"DADDY!"

"Oh what a lovely reunion," muttered Jerry, shaking his head as the two anime characters clung to each other, Ed thinking 'Great, now's my chance to do something totally evil to him that will maim, injure, kill or...ah, just forget it,' and Hoenheim thinking, 'Look at all the pretty lights...excuse me...Hate. Misery. guilt. Angst. Brooding.'

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**5 minutes later, with hoenheim and Edward seated across from each other...**

"Okay, Mr. Hoenheim, I'm sure the entire audience would like to know...why exactly have you been gone for so many years? Why did you abandon your-" Jerry paused. hoenheim was distracted by something, digging around in a pack behind him. "Mr. Hoenheim?"

"Well, jerry, there is a simple explanation for all that." Hoenheim turned around, slowly, his hands behind his back.

"What is that explanation?"

In one fluid motion, Hoenheim stood and threw a black cape over his back and a mask over his face, whipping out a katana from no where in particular.

"I am...Zorro!" he yelled, then jumped out a window.

The entire crowd gathered at said window, watching the masked marauder dissapear into the night.

"DAMN YOU!" yelled Edward, his voice echoing.

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**END of EPISODE THIRTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **This was a bit.....odd.... Whoopee for Hoenheim!_


	14. Singing

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_This is the song that runs under the credits. These are the credits so this is where it goes. Has nothing to do with the fiction, so this is what we'll say: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!_

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**EPISODE FOURTEEN: Don't Drink It**

_What do you put in that coffee?

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_

Riza Hawkeye, in tight black leather, climbed up, gracefully, onto the table in the main room of the State Alchemist's Building. This, of course, got the attention of everyone in the nearby vicinity. It wasn't normal to see a chick in tight leather pop out of nowhere.

Especially Riza Hawkeye, who, as far as anyone was concerned, was totally cute.

She held up in one handa microphone, and, in the other, a coffee mug.

Tapping on the microphone a few times, she muttered, "Testing? Testing? 1-2-1-2."

Satisfied, she set the coffee mug down, and flipped on a boombox. Loud music proceeded to shake the room.

Taking one deep breath, she started,

_"When I was just a little girl  
My momma used to tuck me into bed  
and she'd read me a story  
It always was about a Princess in distress  
And how a guy would save her and end up with the glory _

I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I want to be  
Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me

I don't wanna be like Cinderella  
Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar  
Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free  
I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting  
For a handsome prince to come and save me  
On a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side  
Don't want to depend on no one else  
I'd rather rescue myself..."

Roy Mustang walked into the room, shortly followed by King Bradley, Envy, Edward, and Havoc.

"What the hell is going on here?" bradley yelled over the music.

Roy gave him a sharp nudge in the side. "She drank my coffee."

This caused raised eyebrows from all four of the other guys.

"Uhm..is that bad?" asked Havoc.

"Apparantly so," muttered Bradley.

Suddenly, the lights in the room flickered off, all except a spotlight on Riza.

_"..Someday I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul, heart, and mind  
Who's not afraid to show that he loves me  
Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am  
Don't need nobody taking care of me _

I will be there for him just as strong as he will be there for me  
When I give myself then it has to got to be, an equal thing..."

"When did this become a songfiction?" asked edward under his breath to Roy.

Roy shrugged. "As long as we get paid, I'm fine."

Bradley gglared at Roy. "this is causing such a disturbance."

"Yeah, but it's a sexy disturbance!" piped up Envy, letting out a catcall.

_"...I can slay, my own dragons  
I can dream, my own dreams  
My knight in shining armour is me  
So I'm gonna set me free-"_

The music suddenly cut off.

Bradley stood on the stage/desk next to riza. "That's it, all of you back to work!"

"BOO!!" shouted the crowd, flinging random things: mainly tomatoes, pens, and paper balls.

"THAT'S IT ALL OF YOU!! HEY, HEY STOP THROWING THAT!!! NO THROWING PENS!! OUCH!!"

Roy looked at Ed. Ed looked at Roy.

"Remind me to make sure Riza never gets her hands on my coffee again," said Roy.

"Remind me to make sure YOU never drink that coffee anymore," replied Ed.

Meanwhile, Envy was kidnapping Riza, who didn't seem to have noticed the music was off yet.

Havoc had snuck away to kidnap Roy's coffee.

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**END of EPISODE FOURTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Wouldn't it be nice if the song under the credits remotely pertained to the fiction you just read? but that's not the case so for now we'll have to say, Hey hey hey hey hey!_

_Ahem. Sorry. Well, as you've noticed most likely, I was really REALLY bored today. So there were lots of new chapters for you all! LOL!_


	15. Bored

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _-sings- There should be a rule that the song under the credits remotely pretains to the fiction's basic plot. That rule has not been made, so for now we'll have to say hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!_

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**EPISODE FIFTEEN: Bored Meeting**

_Hey, hey, someone's gotta keep the alchemists doing the right thing.

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_

"Right. So, KING Bradley, who is really Wrath in disguise.." started Roy.

"HUSH!" hissed Bradley under his breath.

"I mean who is NOT Wrath in disguise...ahem....You've sucessfully gotten us all into a big empty room, tied to chairs. What are you going to do now."

"Next person who ties me to a chair is gonna regret it," mumbled Ed from under his breath.

"Hush, Oniichan," muttered Al.

Maes struggled. 'Hammers....must...fear...hammers..."

Bradley coughed. "we're being paid to give the reviewers and the fanfiction writer...(Yes, we do know you all exist, we aren't stupid. Stupid fangirls. And fanboys.)...our opinions on anime. And on this little fiction. And on whatever the hell we wanna talk about. Who'd like to go first?"

Roy's head bobbed back and forth in answer, because he could not raise his hand, which was tied to the chair and desperately trying to light the ropes binding him on fire. "I just want to know one thing."

Bradley hissed, "Spit it out then, already."

"Has anyone seen my coffee mug? Or my coffee?"

Havoc choked quite suddenly from the other side of the room, but then joined in with everyone else in a chorus of mostly annoyed, 'No, Roy, we haven't seen your coffee mug. Or your coffee."

"Next!" said Bradley.

"Can you untie me?"

"No, FullMetal, I can't."

"Damn."

"Next?"

"When can we expect some good, wholesome yaoi in the show?" Envy asked, snickering.

"Hey, Envy, no spoilers!" whined Havoc.

"Awww!! No fair, no fair! i wanna see -bleepbleepbleep- with the baka hammers-"

"AHHHH HAMMERS!!" yelled Maes, his chair crashing to the floor.

Everyone winced at the crash.

Bradley yelled, "QUIET!! Who's next?"

"Can you untie me now?"

"No, FullMetal."

"Damn."

Pause.

"How about now?"

"NO!"

"Damn."

"Can i have some more coffee?"

"Well, if we knew where it was, then that would be a good thing for me," started Roy. "But no, you can't have any. We don't need you to go off the hook again."

"Yeah, really we don't," whispered Havoc in roy's ear. "Next time, she might want to sing Brittany Spears."

Roy shivered.

"When do we get paid?"

"When the fanfictions over, duh!" Said Bradley, annoyed.

"What if it never ends?" asked Lust.

Silence for about ten minutes.

"Can you untie me now?" asked ed.

"GODDAMN IT NO!" Bradley snapped, kicking Edo's chair over.

"Meow!" said Al's breastplate.

"Alphonse Elric....what was that?" asked Bradley.

"Uhm..."

"I FOUND THE COFFEE!!" came a scream from the other side of the building.

Half a dozen legs shot forward, and half a dozen FullMetal Alchemist characters went screaming, hopping out of the room, their chairs still stuck to them like glue.

"Meeting adjourned," muttered Bradley, shaking his head.

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**Five hours later....**

"Hello?" Ed's voice echoed through the dark empty building. "A little help here? Can someone untie me?? Please?"

he waited a minute, then muttered, "Damn.."

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**END of EPISODE FIFTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Wow. Sooner or later, they're gonna find out I'm not paying them....Shh! Don't tell them!_

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**REVIEW ANSWERS!**

**Bow-Down-to-Keiko: **_Personally, i think Envy would make a VERY sexay dragon, don't you? Hoenheim makes me wanna cry. He's so adorable in the anime. he has a few good qualities in the manga. Just a few._

**Bellatrix Lestrange9: **_Torn between whom, exactly? Just make a bunch of costumes. i have so many! -laughs- Two for each day of the next con. I prefer Hot Chocolate to Coffee, but, then again, Roy likes Coffee better. Riza, Maes, the entire State Alchemy group likes coffee. Black Hayate likes carbonated water. Edo-kun prefers Hot Chocolate, like his mom used to make. Alphonse likes milk. Chocolate milk. The Homunculus like to get drunk. There you go._

**Phantom of Insanity: **_I stalked -deep breath- Edward Elric (Vic), Kouga Miroku and Sesshoumaru (InuYasha), Juri Arisugawa (Utena), Kiba (Wolf's Rain), and Vash (Trigun)._

**Lady Manetsu: **_No spoilers!! Anyway, -ahem- i have no idea where the coffee mug thing even came from. It started as a harmless drabble, and then everyone's like "Do more, do more!" and now it's a drabble mini-series. Odd, eh? I think i'll do the last part of it on New Years. And I'll put it up at 10 minutes till midnight, Florida time. That way, -hopefully- it will be up at exactly midnight! There's a happy new years present for you!_

_I'm still running my guessing game. Guess which FullMetal character I'm cosplaying. I'll dedicate the final coffee mug episode to you. Heck, i might even email ya a bonus coffee mug episode! Great prize, eh? Good luck everybody! One guess per reviewer. Just guess as a part of your review._


	16. Not Quite

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_MINE!! Or...not..._

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**EPISODE SIXTEEN: Totally Yet Not Quite OOC**

_THE END IS NEAR!

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Roy yawned, drumming his finbgers on his desk, humming the "I'm to Sexy" song again. Edward was slung haphazardly in a lounge chair at the other side of the room, yawning with boredom. Envy lay strewn over a table at the other side of the room, hand hanging over the edge of the table, eyes half-closed.

"Wow."

"Wow what?" muttered Envy, sarcastically.

"It's almost New years," droned Ed.

There was a pause, then a chorus of half-hearted "Wow"'s.

Outside the door, Maes went screaming down the hall in his teddy bear pajamas, "THE END IS NEAR!!"

Silence, then a few footsteps echoing down the hallway, as Riza peeked in the door, leaning against the entryway, breathing deeply. "He's lost it, Colonel...I can't...get...him...under.." She fainted with a loud thud.

Roy raised one eyebrow. Then the other.

Maes went running by, headed the other way 'SAVE ME FROM THE COFFEE MUAHAHAHA!!"

Envy sat up quite suddenly, sprang forward, and snagged Mae's by his fuzzy slippers, snarling, "EXCUSE ME! SOME of US are TRYING to get some SLEEP here! This beauty doesn't come naturally!" Then he flung Maes out the door, kicked Riza's head out of the way, and slammed the door shut.

Edward and Roy blinked. "Wow."

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**END of EPISODE SIXTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **blah blah blah, keep reviewing, blah blah, I have no life, blah blah blah puppies._

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**_REVIEW ANSWERS!_**

**Bellatrix Lestrange9: **_I should make an Envy costume too! Someone was wearing one at kunicon. It was soo cute._

**Kaori-chan: **_Sorry nope._

**Cringe:** _Nope, not my dear little Roy. Sorry. And you're welcome. I was just feeling a bit weird that day, so when you thought it was cool, i just clicked a button and dedicated it. See? I've got THE power! Mwaha-ha-ha!_

**Lady Manetsu:** _Not Roy. -chuckle- You people will never guess in a million years. -laugh- By now my Cowboy Bebop fanfiction devotees are ready to wring my neck. But I just can't get the humor in the next chapter to play out right. And I'm a perfectionist. So there._

**Bow-Down-To-Keiko: **_-imagines a fuzzy dragonish envy- Ah... -drool- Whoops, I mean, yeah, furries are so cool. Wait, if we don't know who Pride is in the manga, then who's Wrath in the anime? . Wait, wait, whatever. Wouldn't it be funny if Roy or Hoenheim was the missing Homunculus? Or maybe Scar's brother? I wanna know, though, How can anyone hate Envy? He saved Ed in the manga -gringrinnudge-_

**Rhel: **_I wish. Hoenheim is SO cool. But then, it'd be hard for a girl to grow a beard. So, nope, not Hoenheim. keep trying._

**Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl: **_Be my guest, I HATE Bradley. -fires darts at Bradley's oversized head-_

**KagenoKatana: **_No, no, he cancelled at the midnight panel on saturday. He was supposed to be in the room with Carrie and (Kouga or miroku?) at midnight, but instead he was off drinking with one of the other voice actors -sigh-. He was there for everything else, though, so i should give Vic credit for that. Mandy's the one who should be punished. (Damn Juri wouldn't show up for ANYTHING except her own panel). Lol. The show was showing on the tvs in the hotel rooms on Cartoon Network. "Night of the Chimaera's Cry". I HATE that episode. And I HATE Bradley._

_MUHAHAHA POCKETWATCH!!!_

_**Okay, so no one's guessed my cosplay character yet. the guesses were: Roy, Edward, Hoenheim, Envy (and Maes was suggested, but I'm not him either). Try thinking out of the box, eh people. Time's running out. And, if you've already guessed, you're welcome to try again. Only one guess per review though.**_


	17. Again

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER:** _Dance, envy, dance._

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**EPISODE SEVENTEEN: Therapy Part II**

_Hehe...Homucunlus have feelings too. Mwaha!

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"Okay, Mr. uh..Envy, so what exactly is your problem?" asked the doctor.

"I'm a sexy chick magnet, and I don't even LIKE chicks! What the hell is wrong with these damned fangirls? They scare...me....Say, doctor, you doing anything later?"

"!!!" The doctor's eyes widened in shock, he jumped to his feet, and quickly shoved Envy towards the door. "Okay, problem solved, Mr. Envy, just stay away from girls, k?"

* * *

In the next room....

"Mr. Greed? Are you listening?"

"Huh?"

"Are you listening?"

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"LISTENING! ARE...YOU....LISTENING?"

"Sorry doctor, what did you say? I wasn't listening."

The doctor's hand smacked himself in the forehead.

* * *

In the room down the hall and around the corner...

"And, tell me, King Bradley, what's wrong with you?"

After a great deal of consideration, Bradley looked the doctor straight in the eye and said, "I am the Terminator."

"YOU'RE NOT THE TERMINATOR!" Greed yelled from down the hall and around the corner. "I AM!! YOU'RE GODZILLA!"

Bradley thought a minute, then looked at the doctor again and sai, "Oh yeah."

The doctor shook his head.

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**END of EPISODE SEVENTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Haha there is no author's note, you fools! Mwaha!_

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**_REVIEW ANSWERS_**

**Bellatrix Lestrange9: **_Did it now? Yeah, I think I put Envy there in that position just for that purpose. And, no, not Winry. (Love the coffee, love it, LOVE IT I TELL YOU!!!)_

**Lady Manetsu: **_-murders you ten-thousand times in the worst ways possible- TUCKER? YOU WANT TUCKER?? I'LL GIVE YOU TUCKER!! -bashes you in rthe head- I. HATE. TUCKER!!! -grabs Tucker and beats him to a pulp with a little wooden stick-_

**Cringe: **_Nope. Not Riza._

**Reign-of-Dreams: **_Ramble all you want. I'm just glad you reviewed sometime. It's okay, no need to apologize. Welcome to the drabble forums! (These reviews are sorta turning into a forum, you have to agree)_

**Alchemist Princess Mandy: **_Nope, not Envy. Good luck with your cosplaying. And pwease don't hurt me._

**NC Ace: **_It's fun stalking people._

**Ureshii-Rei: **_-laugh- I agree. I made his head out of styrofoam and duct tape at the con with one of my friends, but I didn't even think of actually trying to make his body. (The head took hours alone)_

**AzzieAz**_Nope, not Hawkeye._

**KagenoKatana: **_OMG, you're right, he does sound like Sean Connery. Scary. O.o But, nope, not Lust either._

**Bow-Down-to-Keiko: **_Yay! Roy should be Pride! Yay! There's seven deadly sins, right, so there's seven homunculus. Get the drift? (-still thinks Hoenheim SHOULD be one-). Maybe Dante is the missing one O.o. Yay! Cookie! _

**DarkWarLordofDoomness: **_Nope. Not scar. But it would be fun to draw that tatoo on my arm with permanent marker.....though I'd have a hard time explaining it to mom...

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**Okay, everyone, try guessing again. I'm not Envy, Ed, Maes, Roy, Alphonse, Riza, Winry, Lust, Scar, Tucker (-kills-), or Bradley. Time's running out! One more guess each! Try harder!** _

**2 hints:**

**1) It's a guy.**

**2) He comes in later in the series.**

**Shoot, i probably just GAVE you the answer. Good luck anyways.**


	18. Sake

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**_

**DEDICATION:** _Whoopee! Finally, someone guessed it! I'm going to be Greed. (Although being a chimaera is an awful interesting thought). Anyway, give it up for our winners: Rhel and Bellatrix, who will both recieve an extra chapter of the coffee mug deal by email sometime within the next week. Congrats._

_(I can't believe no one guessed Dante)_

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**EPISODE EIGHTEEN: Sake and Coffee**

_Counting down the New Year, FMA style!

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"You going to start us off?" Greed sluged Mae's arm.

Maes wimpered. "It's Havoc's turn."

Havoc grinned. "Riza, do the honors."

Riza glared. "No, it's your turn."

Envy yelled, "JUST POUR THE GODDARNED SAKE ALREADY!"

Riza quickly passed out five sake cups and filled them with sake. She tossed the tokuri. it broke in the background.

Havoc cleared his throat, then sang, "99 bottles of sake on the wall..99 bottles of sake.."

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**Elsewhere..**

"Come in."

Roy nudged the door to Ed's room. He was so nervous, he could feel his heartbeat pounding against his chest. "Uh..uhm.." He froze solid.

"Sorry," Ed muttered, pulling his shirt back over his head. "I was getting dressed."

"O-" Roy started, then paused and let out a slightly girlish wail, "You mean you were NAKED?"

Ed blinked. "Yeah."

Roy stumbled backwards, tripped, caught himself by the arm of a chair, and managed to end up on his knees, hugging tight to the armrest. "I-uh-er"

"What?"

"I-uh..I...New "

Ed took a few steps forward until he was standing right over Roy. "You came to wish me Happy New Years?"

Roy nodded frantically, then stood, trying to regain his composure. "Yeah, th-that's it."

* * *

**In the main room...**

"46 bottles of sake...on...the.." Havoc grumbled, then hiccuped loudly.

"Had 'nuff yet, 'ave ya?" slurred Greed.

Envy grinned. "C'mon, we're just barely halfway!"

Riza smirked. "men."

* * *

"So, what happened here the other night?" Ed asked.

Roy, having just taken a sip of his coffee, choked loudly and sprayed his drink everywhere. "It was--it's his fault, not mine, I-"

"Sorry i forgot about our little engagement."

"It's okay! Really!" Roy waved his hand backs and forth.

"We could...take up that little visit now.."

* * *

"NEW YEARS IS COMING! NEW YEARS IS COMING!"

"Brigadier general Maes, get down off the ceiling right now!" Riza was yelling at Maes, who was hanging upside down from the ceiling, a half-dead Havoc hanging from his leg.

"Hey-" Greed slurred again. "We's only at...22!"

"THE END IS NEAR!"

* * *

"Take up?" Roy squeaked, scooting back in the chair.

Now, you must know, Roy in fact likes guys and girls, but he prefers to be the one approaching his unsuspecting victim. He's never had someone else approach him. 'Cept Havoc, and he doesn't count.

Ed looked at Roy, leaning in just a little closer, wrapping an arm around Roy's shoulders.

"7...6...5...4.." he said.

* * *

"3 BOTTLES TO GO!" yelled Envy, slamming a drunken fist on the table. "WHOO-HOO!"

Riza snatched up an entire bottle of sake and gulped it down, feeling the rush as it burned down her throat like fire.

Envy, feeling outdone, grabbed the second to last, and finished it in one big glug.

"THE END IS NEAR!" screamed Maes, swinging around, upside down, over and over and over.

Both Envy and Riza reached for the last bottle..

* * *

"Happy New years!" Ed said with a grin, shoving a coffee mug into Roy's hand: a bright, shiny one with the words "FullMetal Alchemist" on it in bright red,. with a sihlouette of a transmutation circle in the background.

"Wha-wha?" Muttered Roy, looking at the mug.

"Well, i did say i'd make it up to you. Sorry it's late. I guess it's not a Christmas present anymore. Now it's a New Years one," Ed paused, looking at Roy coyly, "However, from the lok on your face, it semed like you were afraid I was going to rape you or something!"

Ed's laughter echoed through the empty halls.

* * *

Riza tossed the last empty bottle over her shoulder, listening with satisfaction as it landed hard on an unconcious, and badly beaten up, Envy.

"I win. Because I'm just too damn sexy like that."

"WHOOOHOO!" yelled Maes, before falling from the ceiling, landing (with Havoc still on his leg) on top of Envy.

Greed was snoring on the table.

* * *

**Out in the hallway...**

Zorro grinned. "Hey, hey Lust..."

"What?"

"HAPPY NEW YEARS!" he yelled, setting off a rather large blast of fireworks in the middle of the hallway....

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**_KABOOM!!_**

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**END of EPISODE EIGHTEEN**

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_**Author's Note: **Ah, a great mix of all the drabbles. Well, a lot of the better ones, at least. perfect way to bring in the New Year, eh? And, just so you all know, I'm terribly drunk on sake myself right now. SRRY!_

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**REVIEW ANSWERS:**

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**Bellatrix Lestrange9: **_Haha, the joys of being a Homunculus like Envy! Congrats, Bellatrix. Great job of guessing. i thought no one would ever get it! Congrats to Rhel too. Look for your chapter. I'll send it asap. _

**Cringe: **_Seen the entire thing. And the movie. Such comes of having friends in Japan. Although, I saw it quite a while ago, so I forgot a lot of what happens --._

**Hinote-chan: **_That's why you get your parentsd distracted, then steal some VA's luggage. Then you find a way to explain why you have mens underwear in a big extra suitcase..._

**Keiko: **_Yeah, the missing one in the manga. God, how I HATE Tucker. Hey, hey, Dante is cool. Don't hurt him!_

**Moongazer: **_If you mean the one with the metal arm and glasses, that was a girl. I luved her outfit. Did you cosplay? Oh, and I agree, Vic is so very hot._

**Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl: **_We all have issues._

**InuYashaWiffey223: **_I hate Adult Swim. And, no, I live in sunny Florida. (The only place where it's 100 degrees on New years Eve). I wish I lived in japan. Pocky is a japanese candy: bisuits dipped in certain flavors._

**Reign-of-Dreams: **_Guessing games are fun. We'll do another sometime. Aww, thanks for sucking up. _

**KagenoKatana: **_I have an awesome amv on my computer of Envy vs. Greed. if you'd like to see it, go to (you can use my username and pass if you don't have an account, seeing as how it takes two weeks before you can download anything on a new account: username: erinlightning, and pass: seresenishi). On the main page, click Search for amvs, then go to the super search, and look for the song Anything you can do, or simply search by title for the title Greed vs. Envy, or Envy vs. Greed. It's hilarious._

**Rae: **_Earlier, someone said an Alphonse cosplayer is a hero. I'd disagree. I have to say that anyone willing to cosplay Dante or Hoenheim is a hero. Fear the fangirls._

**FMAFangirl: **_I'll think about it._

**Ninja-Rosette: **_Awww...no hate me....ED IS MINE!_


	19. Dang

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: Moop.**

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**EPISODE NINETEEN: PlayTime**

_Dang, these guys are horny.

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"I am -hiccup- such a -hiccup- sexy girl magnet, I tell ya...-hiccup-"

"Shut it, Flamey-boy," muttered Envy, in reort to Roy's stupid, drunken comment.

"He's a -hiccup- guy magnet....you both are!" muttered Ed. "I'm the girl magnet!"

"Short, short, shorty short short!" replied both Envy and Roy.

"Shaaaaadup!" Ed replied, reaching out to slug them, but falling off his stool and landing on the floor on his head, knocked out cold.

Roy looked lazily down at Ed. "-hiccup-"

* * *

**Now you see, it had been three hours earlier...**

...when the guys had decided it would be fun to hang out at the bar and try to pick up chicks. Now, usually, minors weren't allowed. But, Ed, being a State Alchemist, was let in. On the condition he didn't drink anything but juice.

Well, that resolution lasted a whole five minutes, before Colonel Mustang slipped about five cups of beer into one fourth of a cup of juice and shoved it in FullMetal's hand.

Ed, who had thought it was just juice, proceeded to get very drunk. While, Roy, on the other hand, proceeded to stare at miniskirts.

Sooner or later, Envy showed up. The Havoc, then Maes.

Envy focused on drinking, and making fun of Ed. Havoc focused on keeping Maes from doing omething stupid, while Maes himself kept trying to do stupid stuff.

* * *

Right now, Maes was running about in his boxers, slinging empty bottles at everyone and anyone who happened to be anywhere near him.

"Hey, ya buuuum," he slurred at a random guy.

"tAkE tHaT!" he flung the bottle at the guy.

Havoc jumped in front of the bottle, trying to stop it, but it hit him and he flew into the guy instead.

Now, in case you're wondering, this was a big burly guy...so...yeah...All you need to know was that an ambulence needed to be called. Unfortuneately, Havoc (being the only sober one) couldn't call for his own ambulence, and so, therefore, one never got called.

* * *

**Back to Ed, Roy, and Envy...**

Ed busied himself humming "It's a Small World" from on the floor.

"Oh, will you -hic- shuddap?" Roy muttered. "I 'ate 'dat song."

Ed looked up at him puppishly. "This drinking stuff's good! What's in that juice???"

"Alcohol," answered Roy, managing to sound sober.

"WhOOO!" Ed yelled. "PARTY!!"

* * *

**One thing led to another...**

And soon a kareoke rendition of "Melissa" was going on up on the stage, involving Ed and what looked to be a bunch of giants.

Roy, bored with it all, passed out on the bar, drooling.

Envy looked at Ed.

Then at Roy.

Then Maes and Havoc.

Then, casually, he pulled out a camera and proceeded to record everything.

"Hehehe....they are sooo gonna get in trouble..." Envy said, mischeviously.

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**END of EPISODE NINETEEN

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_**Author's Note: **Well, now we know what happens when you get Ed drunk. I apologize to everyone for not updating in so long. And also to the contest winners, who haven't gotten their chapter yet. I'm a little (okay, a lot) busy right now, so it might take me a week and a half or so to get things straightened out. Sorry. I'll try to hurry. (And, to the two contest winners, I'll send your chapters on February 1st. Sorry for the delay.)_


	20. Attention

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER: **_Wheee_

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**EPISODE TWENTY: Attention**

_EESH! Guys! Oi ve!

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Roy was being a typical guy. I.e., he was currently occupying himself by staring at Riza's chest, nodding in an uncanny manner that seemed to say, "Suuuure, I'm listening," as she rambled on and waved Black Hayate about, explaining to him something about taking care of the bite-sized mongrel.

"Colonel Mustang!" Riza snapped, using the military term he was given to get his attention.

"Huh? Er-what?"

"Were you even LISTENING?"

"Uhm...somewhat..." said Roy, dragging his eyes from her boobs to her face, looking a bit dazed. "I mean, er...no."

Riza shook her head, giving a ferociously frustrated face, and turned around, walking for the door. More like stomping towards the door. "FINE!" she snapped, "I'll get Maes to watch Black Hayate!"

"Uh...wait!" started Roy, then decided that now was time to play his usual trump card. Anything to get her to stay a little longer. Anything to stall Hawkeye. It was time to use the biggest play of all:

Sarcasm.

"Afraid that I can't do a good job of watching Black hayate? I mean, c'mon, Riza. I've done it a THOUSAND times!"

"Two is NOT a thousand, Mustang," she said, reaching for the door.

"Uhm...yeah, but I do an extra-good job, so it must be equal to a thousand times, eh?"

"Are you desperate for money or something?" Riza asked, whirling around to face him with narrowed tiger eyes.

"Uhm..." he started, thinking, 'No. I'm desperate to get in your house.' You see, whenever Riza left, she demanded that he babysit Black Hayate in her home. That meant a whole day or two in Riza's house. Alone.

Now imagine the trouble that it would cause to leave a bachelor in his crushes' home for a whole week. Alone. And now you see why Riza was apprehensive to let him.

"No, I'm not really desperate for money. I just want to hang out with my good buddy, Hayate!" he gave a cheesy grin.

"Oh alright. But PAY ATTENTION this time," Riza said, and started going over the rules yet again.

'Sure,' Roy thought, his eyes ending right back where they were when this whole conversation started. 'I'll pay attention.'

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**END of EPISODE TWENTY**

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_**Author's Note: **Once again, sorry for the delay in these. i'm working out the bugs in several other fanfictions. I'm also having trouble coming up with ideas since my muse left me. Oh well. I'll try to write on this more often. Sorry for the delay, yet again. And I hope you still enjoy the fic._


	21. Video Game

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER:** WHOOT! I was AWOL for a while, but now I'm back with a vengence!

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**EPISODE TWENTY-ONE: The FullMetal Wing**

_Armony's wing's SO cool, Al! I want one too!  
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Al walked into the room just asEd tried, once again, to either: a) reach his back, or b) do some sort of weird new version of the chicken dance. Pausing, the suit of armor allowed himself a moment of thought, but all that he could come up with was the thought, 'If it's an improvement of the chicken dance, I wonder if Ed'll rename it "The Short Dance"?'.

"Brother? What are you doing?" Al inquired.

"You remember-er-our-er-visit with Armony?" asked Ed, stretching to reach all the way to his back with one arm.

"Of course," Al said.

"Well, you remember the Philosopher's catalyst?"

"Yeah?" said Al, thinking, 'I wonder when Ed's going to get to the point?'

"Well," said Ed, snatching up a piece of chalk and proceeding to try and reach his back, this time with the intent of scribbling on his automail arm, "what WAS the Philosopher's catalyst, Al?"

"A powerful catalyst for Alchemy?"

"No, I mean, what form was it?"

"A wing?" Al said. He was now starting to wonder if there was a point.

"YES!" blurted Ed, messing up the scribble he had been haphazardly drawing.

"Okay..." said Al.

"You don't get it, do you?" asked Ed, using a free hand to wipe off the scribble and start anew.

"Nope."

"That just looked so cool, that one wing sticking out of her back! Imagine, if I could turn this automail's backing into a wing...or transmute a.."

"But what good would ONE wing do you, Ed?" Al asked.

Ed paused, blinking.

Silence.

"I dunno," said Ed, returning to scribbling.

"Then why are you still trying to-"

"Because it looks cool," Ed said with finality.

Al blinked, watched a moment more, shook his head, and left. He figured that, from now on, maybe it'd be better to NOT ask questions, then to spend an entire chapter of a fanfiction listening to the answer of a simple questopn, when that answer had no real point.

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**END of EPISODE TWENTY-ONE**

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_**Author's Note: **Okay, I'm back. Sorry it's been so long. I've been REALLY busy with costume-making, raising money to go the con, and doing school work._

_So, let's deal with a few issues early on, eh? First off, this chapter is a play-off of the game, "FullMetal Alchemist and the Broken Angel". You like?_

_Secondly, the winners of the costume-guessing contest, I need a bit of info from you so I can send you the chapter I promised. -sweatdrop- Would you prefer the same old Ed and Roy coffee-mug chapters, or shall I add in another character, replace Ed or Roy, etc. And do you want Yaoi, Yuri, or Straight. (If you say Yuri, srry, but I'll have to hurt you). Thanx._


	22. Vic

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER:** Half of this is actual quotes from Vig Mignogna. Half of it is made up. Good luck figuring which is which.

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**EPISODE TWENTY-TWO: Assessment**

_Nope. Nope. Nope. YES!

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_

Vic Mignogna (English Dub Edward Elric) walked into the booth, a rather large book of photos and descriptions clutched in his hand. His manager's voice echoed in his head, "Just give it a look, Vic. If you see anyone you want to audition for, we'd be more then happy to have you try out."

Vic opened to the first page. "Roy...Mustang..." he said, surveying the picture for a moment. And it only took his that single moment to look at the picture and decide, "God, this guy looks like a jerk."

The next page had a bit of an older-looking man on it. "Maes...Hughes..." He studied it, then said, "What a goof."

The page was turned again. This time, there was a young woman. "Riza...Hawkeye..." Now, most VA's would just turn the page right away. But Vic liked to see what kind of girls there were in the show too. Hookers weren't allowed, otherwise he usually gave up on an audition. This girl however looked quite the opposite of a hooker; this one was a firm, strong military woman. He grinned. "She's kind of cute." Pause. "For an anime character."

Next page: Alphonse Elric. "Uh...no..."

The 5th page contained..."Envy.." Vic paused, studied the picture, and couldn't help wondering if this was a guy or a girl he was looking at. Finally, he gave up and just read the "gender" part of the description. He blurted out, "Man, this guy's gender-confused."

The next page held an older man. Vic blinked. "Hohenheim Elric..." He paused. "Looks kinda like me.." He paused again. "Only older.." He looked over to the general description bar and read the age. "DANG! He looks pretty good for 400-something years old!"

Moving on, he came to one of the pages in about the middle of the book. "Edward...Elric..." He read a little about the character, studied the picture and...BAM!

"I LIKE this guy," he said to his manager.

"I was hoping you would."

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**END of EPISODE TWENTY-TWO**

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_**Author's Note: **Vic rules _


	23. Pretty

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

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**DISCLAIMER: **_I am not fortunate enough to be blessed in the owning of FMA._

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**EPISODE 23: No Coffee For Joo!**

_He feels pretty._

* * *

It had started innocently, just as all of Mustang's little mishaps had a tendancy to do. Riza Hawkeye had left the room momentarily, and he found himself now accompanied by, merely, a desk, a massive stack of paperwork, and a pen. A rather nice pen, too, rather, he would fancy, the Rolls-Royce of pens.

And a cup of his favorite coffee. Just the right perk he needed to keep him from getting so absolutely bored out of his mind.

Now, it just so happened, that, with the pen in one hand, he reached for the coffee and made a discovery. This all-encompassing discovery was that if the tip of the pen hit the table, it made an odd little "tick!" sound.

He paused. Then tapped the pen again. 'Tick!' Again. 'Tick!'.

"Hmm," said Mustang.

* * *

Meanwhile, "Roy Mustang Surveillance Log" in hand, Jean Havoc stood outside the doorway, peering in the keyhole. He blinked, jotting down the Colonel's, as always, "odd" behavior.

"What has Riza done to him?" he asked, in a whispered voice, to no one in particular.

"Riza? Why Riza?" asked Fury, walking up behind Jean. Jean jumped, literally, then turned to see the younger officer accompanied by both Breda and Falman as well.

"Well," Jean said, "can you keep a secret?"

"I LOVE secrets," Breda snickered. "Falman, will you hand me my log?"

Falman reached into his pocket and withdrew another surveillance log, handing it over.

"Gracias."

"I won't tell you!" Jean said, almost indignantly.

"What?" came Falman and Breda's voices. "Why not?"

"He looks like he's up to something," Kain said, observing through the keyhole. This entailled three more eyes being shoved against it at once, until all the officers were fighting over who got to watch.

Roy Mustang tapped the pen almost lazily now, humming.

"He's up to something!" Kain hissed.

"Must be thinking about Riza," replied Falman, with a firm nodd.

That's when they heard it..

* * *

A deep, masucline voice filtered through the door...

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty," Roy muttered, in a sing-song voice, tapping the pen along in tune. "I feel pretty and witty and gay!" he stood now, in a flourish, holding the pen up and waving his arms extravagently. "And I pity anyone who isn't me today!"

"He's lost it," whispered Breda.

"He never had it to begin with," said Kain.

"I feel charming, oh so charming," Roy said, striding across the room, towards a large desk at the other side, spinning about like some random schoolgirl. "It's alarming how charming I feel! And so pretty, that i hardly can believe I'm real!"

His hand clasped up a little table mirror, and, staring into it, brushing his hair back with one hand, smirking, he continued, "See that handsome man in that mirror there? Who could that attractive guy be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty uniform, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me!"

* * *

And now the others had tuned him out. Breda, waving his hands furiously, broke from the keyhole, along with the others, to break into a wild rush of talking.

"Have you seen my dear friend, the Colonel?" asked Havoc, gesturing with open arms, singing himself now in a grizzled voice, "The craziest guy on the block?"

"You'd know him the minute you see him!" added in Breda, "He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock!"

"He thinks he's in love!" cried Kain and Fury at once. "he thinks he's in Spain!"

"He isn't in love, he's merely insane!" Breda said, shoving them both aside.

Falman shook his head, finally adding, "It must be the heat, or some rare disease?"

"Or too much to eat?" Breda asked.

"Or maybe it's fleas!" Jean said, popping a cigarette into his mouth and grinning.

"Keep away from him! Send for Riza!" Falman said, shaking his head again. "this is not the Taisa we know!"

* * *

They were cut off again by Roy's voice from inside, and the three quickly reattached themselves to the keyhole.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, that the city should me its key! A committee should be organized to honor me!" His hands swung out, casting pen and mirror aside, and knocking the papers in a white flutter from his desk. He swept his hand out again, this time flinging open the curtains for the world to see him as he sang to, pretty much, the window.

"I feel dizzy, I feel sunny, I feel fizzy, and funny and fine! And so pretty, Mr. tokyo can just resign!"

"I feel stunning, and entrancing, feel like running and dancing for," his voice rose, "JOY! For I'm loved, by a pretty, wonderful Girl!"

* * *

Falman scratched his head, and the others shook theirs in defeat, watching the last few seconds of Mustang's outburst.

"We're supposed to write down...WHAT?...for that exactly?"

The others shrugged. Bradley wasn't going to believe it anyway.

* * *

Riza Hawkeye, meanwhile, who had been just coming back from wherever she had gone to, approached the stairs to the front door of headquarters, only to see a window on the second floor being flung open and...was Roy Mustang SINGING?

She blinked, shook her head, and said one little sentence, getting that feeling like 'Oh great, I should have been watching him...he's worse then hayate...',

"No more coffee for you, Colonel.."

* * *

**END of Episode Twenty Three**

**

* * *

**

**Authors Note: **_Don't ask. Just. Don't. Ask._


	24. Pranks

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

* * *

**DISCLAIMER: **_I still don't own FMA. As for my reviewers...YOU sOULS aRe MiNE!_

* * *

**EPISODE 24: Cruel Prank**

_13 cruel Edvy pranks._

* * *

**Prank #1:**

"Mustang..." Fuhrer King Bradley asked, holding up a picture of the bachelor of a Colonel standing at the window of his office, mouth wide open, arms held wide out, grin great big and wide...most likely singing. "What is the meaning of this?"

Roy's face turned five shades of scarlet. "I um...I...ur...um..."

Outside in the hallway, Ed and Envy slapped hands and chuckled maniacally.

* * *

**Prank #2**

"Has anyone seen my underwear?" Havoc asked, looking frantically through his locker.

"Mine are gone too!" Breda whined.

"Has anyone seen mine?" kain chimed in, digging for his, but coming up empty as well.

Falman saluted, having already searched his locker in military fashion and come up with the same result. "Negatory."

It was three hours later the panties were discovered, dyed an unbearable shade of pink, cut to resemble letters, and hung up by a clothsline in Mustang's office so that they read "Pretty Boy".

Roy blinked. "Uh oh."

* * *

**Prank #3**

"Hayate?" HAYATE!" Riza yelled, looking up and down the corridors.

She discovered the pooch in, of all places, Roy's room, chewing on what had once been the letter "P" made out of...underwear? The dog was dressed in a frilly miniskirt, a tiny dog-sized shirt, and had its ears tied back not unlike the fashion of Riza's hairstyle.

A blush shot to her face, of both anger and embaressment.

"ROY!"

* * *

**Prank #4**

Alphonse Elric came into the small room of the Central Station that had been designated as "his". Little did what was waiting for him as he opened the door and...

A massive amount of mewing furballs flopped out and on his head: a million tiny kittens, with, of all things, a tiny heart-shaped pendant on each of their collars that read "I Love Roy Mustang".

Al blinked. He liked kittens sure...but...

* * *

**Prank #5**

By now, Roy Mustang was getting wise to the fact that someone was pranking him. He had first gotten the idea with the picture given to Fuhrer, but hadn't followed through with it, until now.

Riza kept screaming up and down the hallway, and he knew he was in for it should she catch him...so he hid in his room, which, strangely, was full of kittens and underpants.

He breathed heavily, thinking he was safe. Perhaps to get changed? His uniform was starting to get sweaty.

He went to the closet, opened the door and...

Archersat on the floor, hands tied behind his back, pictures of Roy Mustang from...-ahem- previous adventures...glued all over his head and uniform. He was struggling furiously, but hada piece of tape clamping his mouth shut, and, Roy decided, that was a good thing. Grabbing his clothes, he shut the door before Frank could protest.

* * *

**Prank #6**

Roy Mustang struggled loose of his pants, and, now dressed in nothing but his boxers, swooped down to retrieve his fresh clothing to put it on. bent over, his back to the window, he never saw what was coming.

The curtains, flung open, revealed the Taisa in all his blue-with-Barney-symbol-boxered glory to the civilians of the street below.

* * *

**Prank #7**

Armstrong, who had decided that this would be a good time to weight-lift, seeing as how everyone else had gone crazy (Riza was screaming about bizarre cosplays, and upstairs Roy was just screaming). But, to his dismay, as he went to lift his precious weight...

...there were no weights anymore: they had all been replaced by smirking Roy Mustang plushies.

* * *

**Prank #8**

Having closed the windows, and hopefully retained what was left of his dignity, Roy Mustang dressed and settled into his desk. Ah, paperwork. It could never do him wrong.

He reached for the first piece of work to handle that morning and...

"A LOVE NOTE? WHAT KIND OF MORON IS-" he yelled, flinging the papers aside to find that...

"THEY'RE ALL LOVE NOTES!" (which was followed by a stream of expletives)

* * *

**Prank #9**

The phone rang. Great, Roy could use the distraction, be it Maes, or anyone else. He reached for it, and...

"Maes, thank GOD!"

Maes, on the other side of the line, blinked. "Whoa.."

"S-sorry," Roy said, seeking to cover up his little outburst. "What do you want?"

"Uhm.." maes said, hesistating. "Why did you send me a..."

"A what?"

"A...love note?" Maes asked, obviously quite weirded out.

Roy screamed.

* * *

**Prank #10**

Hohenheim Elric whistled to himself as he walked down the hallway. he didn't know what was going on, but, it sounded quite interesting. And, sure enough, he got his chance to be a part in it.

A shadowy figure leaned from inside of one of the darker rooms. "Psst."

"Hm?" The older man turned his head.

"Give you one hundred dollars to.."

* * *

**Prank #11**

Gluttony had heard the words "free" and "lunch", and that was all it took. But, as he entered the banquet hall, he didn't really understand what came to his teeny tiny brain.

Lollypops, cakes, candies: all had been shaped in the smug visage of that Colonel that he had seen.

He blinked.

He shrugged.

Then he ate everything in sight.

* * *

**Prank #12**

"Knock knock."

"Oh, thank you, someone.." Roy went to the door, opened it, and saw something quite horrifying. Hohenheim Elric stood before him, in a light blue dress and high-heels, with his hair tied back, make-up fully applied, and his legs fully shaved.

Roy's face went white in shock, and he found himself muttering, "Wh-wha-wha-wha?"

"You had an add in the newspaper for a bisexual buddy?" Hohenheim asked, holding up the newspaper with the actual article. "I'm the answer to your prayers."

Roy slammed the door in his face.

"FINE! Be that way!" yelled Hohenheim.

* * *

**Prank #13**

Edward, Envy, and Hohenheim were having the time of their life now, laughing it up outside from their perch in one of the old oak trees, binoculars firmly set on Roy's room.

"Did you see?"

"I sure did! And then-"

And they broke out in peals of laughter.

Hohenheim, thoughtfully, muttered, "He's gone."

The other two paid no attention.

"Guys...he-"

"LOOKING FOR ME?" asked Roy from below, hands on his hips. "SO IT WAS YOU?"

The three suddenly obtained the "oh shit" look. Moments before their punishment came, swift and just.

The fireworks, Riza would admit from up in her office, overlooking the scene, had never been more beautiful.

* * *

**END of Episode Twenty Four**


	25. Super Coffee

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

* * *

**DISCLAIMER:** _Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!_

* * *

**EPISODE TWENTY-FIVE: Super Coffee Showdown**

_Riza hadn't seen Havoc, Maes, Edward, Alphonse, or Roy Mustang since lunch. This was not a good sign._

* * *

Rose, on official invitation from Edward to have a look around the vacinity of the Central Headquarters, peeked her head in the lunchroom.

Well where the heck was her escort? You don't just invite someone to come visit you, then dissapear off the face of the Earth! She looked up and down the rows of State Military personnel, but couldn't find him anywhere.

Riza Hawkeye entered across the room, and both women blinked at each other. There was a moment of awkward silence, of recognition of who the other person was, and then,

"Have you seen..?" Rose asked.

"No...have you seen..?"

"No..." her "No" drawled out as she noted a sudden change in the scenery of the room: the lights dimmed, and, suddenly, a spotlight lit up on a part of the room where several tables had been shoved together.

Riza let her a small, angered, "Oh no.." escape her lips.

* * *

On the Makeshift "stage", Edward and Roy both stood, microphones in hand. Two large amps had been shoved next to the thing, and Alphonse (we're skipping ahead, okay everyone? This is Alphonse when he's regained his body) stood with a guitar, havoc next to him with a bass.

The room went silent.

"Good...evening, ladies and gentlemen!" commented Roy, in his usual drone that could come from only one place: he had just recently been drinking that crazy coffee of his...

"Hit it, Maes," Ed said. From the corner of the room, seated at a Baby Grand, Maes began to plink along a tune...Havoc and Alphonse gave him a minute of solo, before picking up the tune, and Ed immediately interjected following this, with his vocal, and a finger pointed directly at Rose (whom he apparantly saw, all the way across the room),

**_"Come out Virginia, don't let me wait  
You Catholic girls start much too late  
But sooner or later it comes down to fate  
I might as well be the one..."_**

Rose, by now, had begun to blush furiously, and try to edge out the door. Everyone else in the room seemed to be thinking this was quite funny.

"Does THIS happen usually?" Rose whispered to Hawkeye.

"Only when you mix raging hormones and coffee."

"Coffee?"

**_"Well they showed you a statue, told you to pray  
They built you a temple and locked you away, aw  
But they never told you the price that you pay  
For things that you might have done"

* * *

_**

And now Roy's voice joined in with Edward's for the chorus.

_**"Well only the good die young, that's what I said  
Only the good die young, only the good die young"

* * *

**_

Now, Ed stepped back, and Roy Mustang immediately moved forward into the spotlight, blurting out the next few lines of the song...with a mug of coffee in his hand, taking a deep swig of it before he started, and grinning maniacally.

Riza shook her head as he started. "I guess Edward and Mustang have made up from their little...episode..."

**_"You might'a heard I run with a dangerous crowd  
We ain't too pretty, we ain't too proud  
We might be laughing a bit too loud, aw  
But that never hurt no one"

* * *

_**

Breda elbowed Falman, from somewhere in the raging, roaring crowd. "Hey, Falman, I think he's talkin' about us." 

"NONSENSE!" boomed Alex Louis Armstrong from behind the two. "After all, that would have to include me! And there is no prettier man in this room!" This led to him beginning to flex, and Breda and Falman to sweatdrop.

Bredashook his head. "And we're hardly a dangerous crowd...unless we decide to throw brooms or something at the stage..."

_**"So come on Virginia, show me a sign  
Send up a signal, I'll throw you the line  
The stained-glass curtain you're hiding behind  
Never lets in the sun"

* * *

**_

Riza Hawkeye, furious, had now managed to shove her way through the crowd, up to the stage, and was SCREAMING up at Roy, "MUSTANG! GET THE HELL DOWN FROM THERE BEFO-WHOA!"

Roy had snagged her by the arm, and now she found herself, involuntarily, up on the stage, with him making some foolish, drunk-on-coffee dance steps. Her voice was drowned out by the guitar, and the bass, and Roy and Ed singing of course, as she screamed at him still.

He tossed, in a playboy way, his coffee mug into the crowd and it shattered somewhere as he gripped the microphone in one hand, Riza in the other, and sang the chorus with Ed.

_**"Darlin' only the good die young, woah woah woah woah woah woah  
I tell you only the good die young, only the good die young"

* * *

**_

And now Riza was struggling furiously, the entire room was having quite a good time watching this spectacle, and Rose was left in the back going, "Oh dear...something tells me...that wasn't what she meant to do." 

Ed and Roy both continued on with their tirade, singing the next two stanzas in almost perfect unison. Except for the fact Roy was more interested now in dancing then singing, and was trying his hardest to avoid being kicked, or punched, by an enraged Riza, who was blsuhing so hard now that she looked like a cherry.

_**"You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation  
You got a brand new soul, mmm and a cross of gold  
Well Virginia they didn't give you quite enough information  
You didn't count on me, when you were counting on your rosary**_

Oh woah woah, and they say there's a heaven for those who'll wait  
And some say it's better, but I say it ain't  
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints  
The sinners are much more fun  
You know that only the good die young, woah baby  
I tell you only the good die young, only the good die young"

* * *

Roy sang the next one...

**_"Said your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation, aw  
She never cared for me, but did she ever say a prayer for me?"_**

And the performance abruptly ended there for five reasons. The first was that Roy, accidentily, fell off of the stage as he hit the word "me", taking Riza with him. The blow of the floor to his head seemed to wake him up to reality, and he now realized he wasn't at American Idol. At the same time, he realized, unfortuneately, that he had Riza Hawkeye standing over him, beet red, complaining of how he had ruined her dignity. Worse yet, she had a loaded gun in her hand. Yikes.

The second, was that Rose, in an attempt to regain her own dignity (Ed had been singing about her after all, and she was angered about this as Riza was with Roy), threw a rather large cup that she had found on one table, at Edward's head.

The third was that Falman, Breda, and Armstrong, aparantly having begun an argument over the good of the State Military, had started a fist-fight, and the entire crowd was running in the opposite direction, so as to avoid Alex's punches.

And lastly, as if by magic, the lights above the stage crashed suddenly to the ground, giving Al and Havoc just enough time to jump out of the way and land, dazed, on the floor.

* * *

Whenall order was regained: Riza had chased Roy from the room, Rose had dragged Ed, no more then a bloody body, to his room, and when everyone else had cleared out, only Maes remained, still clinking away on the piano, and grinning, and not realizing he was alone. With no one to sing anymore, he had started his own little rendition of some made-up song about his daughter.

Well, he wasn't entirely alone.

From the socket above where the lights had hung during the performance, Envy dropped down, and landed in the wreckage of the mess hall. He shook his head, and grinned, "Maybe I shouldn't have 'crashed' the party...but they coulda invited me..." He looked over at maes, and shook his head. "Yo, old man, party's over!"

Maes didn't hear him.

Envy shook his head, and sighed. "Paaaaaaaathetic. What does the Taisa put in his coffee anyways?"

* * *

**END of Episode Twenty-Five**

**

* * *

**

**Authors Note: The oddness!**


	26. Spring Cleaning

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _Don't own FMA...sob...If I did, Envy would be in my closet, chained to the wall, having a great time plotting evil against me O.O_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 26: Spring Cleaning**

_A crew of State Alchemists, highly...trained...But they were never prepared for this.

* * *

_

Riza said that it needed to be cleaned, that it was a mess. She told Roy that the Central Headquarters was in a state of such disrepair, it would tarnish the good name of the State Alchemists. She told him it would take a team of maids, fully armed, a week or more to tackle this place. She also said that it would take a team of highly trained ALCHEMISTS under a day.

Or else.

Roy, seeing no way out, had to oblige. With the cleaning. With the estimate of how long it would take, however, he had to argue. He'd never cleaned before and he doubted the others knew how either. But when Riza Hawkeye held a gun to his head and said it would be done TODAY, he decided to sing a different tune before he got shot and had to explain to the hospital wung of the Central building, for the fifth time this month, that it was a bad idea to argue with Hawkeye.

* * *

Now, most people have seen Central. It's the biggest building in, well, in Central. And, alchemists or no, it was quite a job to clean. The walls outside were covered in dirt and mud, and some of them were dilapidated, falling to pieces. The inside looked no better. The paint on the walls in every room was peeling, the bathrooms were too disgusting to go near unless you had a noseplug, and the hallways had been tread on so many times..

Roy rallied the troops: Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fury, Hughes, and some new recruits who he bullied into the job, unwillingly. Barry was there too, a fact that Roy was a bit unsure about, but Riza said she'd keep the metal suit under control, and Falman had practically begged to be let to come to this assignment. His arguement was that it was ten times better then being locked in a tiny apartment with a psychopath and a chess board for four months. Roy had to agree.

Armstrong came, saying that it would be easy to clean the place up: that the "Great Strong-arm alchemist" could do it all by himself. Maria Ross and Danny Brusch were some of the few bullied into it, and Danny really looked like he didn't want to be there. Roy even recognized Sheska, the librarian, who, he decided, would probably sneak away to read no more then a few minutes after starting.

* * *

Well, the day went kind of like this:

First, all the men argued over who got which room, while the girls babbled incessently, and Riza tried to keep Barry from any sharp objects. As the debate raged on, there was a slinging of water buckets, and the liquid falling all over the floor as the guys tried to vie for getting to the cleaner first, because first is always best, don't you know.

"I want the downstairs hallway," called Breda.

"That's 'cuz it's the smallest!" whined Brusch.

"Havoc, you've got the third floor office," Roy delegated.

"But, sir, that's YOUR office."

"So?"

"I wouldn't go near it with a ten foot pole. Who KNOWS what I might find in that pit!"

"Hey, hey guys," Fury interjected as they bickered back and forth. The group all paused and looked at the young man, who tilted his head and gave a little embaressed smile. "Who...who gets the bathroom?"

From each guy came a sudden finger pointed at someone, ANYONE in the room.

* * *

**_From there, things started to go downhill...very...very downhill..._**

**_But, you'll have to wait and see, for now, because...I have to go! To the bathroom! MUHAHAHAHA!_**

* * *

**To be...er...continued?**


	27. Spring Cleaning 2

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _I don't own FMA, but, Kudos to Arakawa: If I ever get a hold of Hiromu-san, I will personally extract a little...creativity, if you know what I mean -grin-_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 27: Spring Cleaning Part II**

_And who, might we ask, had to clean the bathroom?__

* * *

_

Breda, Fury, and Falman were all crammed in the upstairs men's bathroom, their heads covered in gas masks, their entire frames covered in body armor. Clutching mops, brooms, and buckets of water, they looked at one another with disgusted scowls.

"I'm gonna be sick.." Fury murmured.

"No way, uh uh. If you puke all over the floor, Fury, YOU'RE cleaning it up on your own," Breda replied, then turned to Falman, who was on his knees already, mopping the tile. "WHAT? You're actually working?"

"Well, duh."

"I say we just leave this mess for Mustang to clean on his own..." Breda said, and would have turned and left, had not the door been flung open in that second, and..

"GREETINGS! I WILL NOW SHOW YOU THE FABULOUS CLEANING TECHNIQUE PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY!" Armstrong yelled, as his massive hulk smashed through the door, his shirt tearing and his large muscles flexing, sparkles everywhere.

The others all sweatdropped.

"You're fixing the door.." muttered Falman.

"And cleaning up all these sparkles..." Breda added.

"Why are you talking in all caps?" Fury asked, shaking his head.

"BECAUSE IT'S FOR EMPHASIS, DEAR BOY!" his oversized hand reached out and slammed against Fury in a hardy pat on the back. The kid was sent flying.

-------------------------------------------

Riza Hawkeye settled into the hot tub, shivering with delight as the scorching water touched her limbs. With a contented sigh, she sunk down into the water, watching as the two other women: Maria Ross and Juliet Douglass (aka Sloth) settled in next to her. With a sigh, Riza stated, "It's so good to have the guys doing the work for once.." The others nodded in agreement.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" came a scream from the room next door, interrupting their peace and quiet. This was followed by the wall of the sauna being broken wide open, cracked like a nutshell, and a small object that looked rather like a bomb, flew into the hot tub. Riza jumped back to her feet, reaching for her gun. The other two just sat in the water, blinking.

The "bomb" happened to be Fury, who surfaced relatively quickly, coughing water and mumbling, "Armstrong, you didn't have to hit so-" He froze, slowly trailing his eyes up from the side of the water to the Lieutenant staring down at him with the gun in her hand. He gulped, jaw dropping. "Now, Hawkeye...don't do anything..."

"DIE!" she shrieked, blushing bright red at the fact that a boy had seen her naked. Gunshots fired off in all directions.

---------------------------------------------------

"Fury, you dead?" asked Breda, not even daring to stick his nose into the sauna room until the girls were well gone.

"Y-yes," choked Fury, crawling out of the water, and clutching his shoulder. Whimpering, he muttered in disbelief, "S-she shot me!"

"Well, I would have shot you too if you'd seen me naked," Breda replied.

"But, Breda, sir, I've seen you naked plenty of times! We use the same locker room!"

Breda twitched, then pointed at the gun that remained on the floor. "Falman, get me that, will ya? I have to take care of some business with a certain pervert in the room."

Falman, who had snuck to the water's edge, poked Fury and whispered to him alone, "Sir Fury, how was it? Colonel Mustang would kill for the view you just got for free..."

Fury shrugged. "She's a little flat-chested for me."

"Can't have everything, sir."

Breda sighed and walked away, careful to step over the giant lump who was carefully scrubbing the ENTIRE bathroom. "Perverts."

---------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Roy was having just the same amount of trouble with his own office. "Damn, there's paperwork EVERYWHERE! And maaan-" he picked up one page, read the due date on it, then his jaw went slack, "This was due three YEARS ago!" His eyes darted from side to side, and, having seen no one, he lit the little thing up in flames, smiling to himself.

That was when Edward walked in. "Hey Colonel, what's..." he paused. "I don't believe my eyes. Taisa is C-L-E-A-N-I-N-G?"

Roy's mouth curled into a malicious frown. "Shut it, pipsqueak."

"Aww, testy are we? Wow, what a good little maid you make, except one thing...where's your pink apron, eh? With frills? I could transmute you-" BASH! A chair soared inches over Ed's head and the kid stood up, popping back into Envy and leaping up onto the table. "Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss m-" A plant this time flew at the homunculus, who ducked it and stuck out his tongue, flipping Roy the birdy.

Roy snarled, and dove at Envy.

--------------------------------------------

Well, the fight ended just as quickly as it started. Envy jumped out the window and ran off to pester someone else, and Roy...Roy turned around, and his eyes met with the biggest disaster area he had ever seen (except for Ishvar). Mouth agape, he mumbled stupidly, "I-I can't clean this up.."

His eyes darted to the left. Then to the right. Then, with a quick snap, the room was in flames.

--------------------------------------------

"ROY MUSTANG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!" Hawkeye screamed at him, dragging him down the hall at gunpoint. "A fire truck, Roy? We had to call a FIRE TRUCK because YOU can't keep for BLOWING THINGS UP! Honestly, I asked you to do ONE thing, sir, ONE THING!"

Roy winced.

"Next time, Oh, next time, Mustang, we are going to hire a maid. From YOUR salary."

Roy shrugged. "All's well that ends well," he thought.

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: Yay Ode to Alchemy is back! Don't ask about this episode...it's totally, completely weird and random, but, oh well. Just think fo FMA meets Love Hina, and, well, whatever. -walks away-_


	28. Random

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _-hums song- WOOT! I love Satoshi Hiwatari!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 28: Random Fandom**

_To each his own, even if it is a miniskirt...or a car...or a screw...NOT THAT KINDA SCREW! Get your minds outta the gutters, people!

* * *

_

Ed's day started out normal, just as always. He was laying in the bedroom of the tiny little room Central let him use when he was there, clutching the little Edward Elric plushie in one arm and his Roy Mustang plushie in the other. The Al plushie had been pushed to the floor a long time ago.

He wasn't expecting, in the least, for a loud horn to ring through his room and wake him up. But, well, that's what happened.

"MUFFINS!" shouted Ed, leaping from the bed, tripping, and falling flat on his face on top of the Alphonse plushie, which immediately said, "I like kitties!" Ed sweatdropped.

Okay, maybe TALKING plushies went a little too far. Especially when the phrase was left up to the characters themselves. (Roy's plushie said "I'm soooo sexy!" when you squeezed it, and Riza's said "Shut up, Roy." Ed's was going to have some dashing voice-over like "I rock" or "I'm the greatest guy in the world" or some other phrase to ease his ego, but, sadly, someone had called him short just before the microphone turned on, so his said, "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN SO SHORT HE COULD BE EATEN BY A PEA?")

Stumbling to the window of the apartment, Ed stuck his head out groggily and shouted, "What the hell do you want you damned-" He paused as he noticed that, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, the intruder was not merely an annoying passerby. It was Roy Mustang, the most annoying of them all.

"Ed! Hey, Ed, you GOTTA come down here and see this! It's...it's AWWWWWWWWWESOME!" Roy grinned up at the young Elric.

Ed blinked. Might as well go see what Mustang wanted. It did no good to try and ignore him...in fact, it would probably make things worse.

-----------------------------------------

**Five minutes later...**

"Okay, Mustang, what's so damned important?" Ed asked.

Roy grinned and pointed in the direction of a rather large, blue metal box on wheels, which purred like some sort of gigantic kitten. Ed could swear that half the thing was windows. Black-tinted windows. "Hey, hey, Ed, look! It's a car!"

"A car?"

"Yep! And they named it after me! It's a Mustang, Type-" All Ed heard after that was "blah blah blah blah", because he had totally lost interest in Roy's babbling. Wandering over to the car, he poked it several times for good measure and wondered, 'What's a car? I wonder if Winry could make one?'

Roy's grin turned cheesy, and, just as Ed tuned in to what the other man was saying, he happened to hear, "And, FullMetal, it's taller then you!"

Ed's eyes widened and he fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, dramatic-like.

-----------------------------------------

A loud honking noise blared through Ed's room, and he jumped from the bed, falling face first on top of the talking Alphonse plushie. Brushing a strand of hair out of his chibi face, Ed gave a heavy, yet relieved sigh. "Thank God. It was just a dream."

From the window, he could hear Roy screaming, "EDWARD! LETS GO FOR A RIDE IN THE CAR!"

Or...was it a dream?...

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: Wow. That. That was random. Oh, and...Havoc and Hughes are mine._


	29. OMG

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _Maes is mine. Because I said so. Havoc too. And I...I am Lord Kira! MUHAHAHAHA!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 28: OMG**

_Guess what?

* * *

_

"ROY!" Maes squealed into the phone line, so loudly that Mustang had to hold the phone several inches from his ear in order to not have gone deaf.

"Hughes," he said into the phone, trying to maintain a level of calm that was utterly impossible with such a crazy, family-obsessed man on the other end of the line, "be quiet, or Hawkeye is going to shoot ME."

"Hey, hey, Roy, guess what!"

Roy sighed. "What?"

"Guess what!"

"I said what."

Maes whimpered. "C'mon, GUESS what?"

"HUGHES, WHAT!" Roy yelled, snapping his fingers in such a rage that the curtains across the room lit up in flames. Immediately, he regretted this. His eyes widened like a chibi who had just realized that his death was imminent. His hand slowly, SLOWLY, lay down the phone reciever, not even bothering to say anything to Hughes. He stood, tiptoed to the curtain, and slapped his hands over it to stiffle the flames.

They extinguished without much effort, but, Roy wasn't clear of his death yet.

"MUSTANG!" Hawkeye yelled from somewhere down the hall. "DID I JUST HEAR SOMETHING LIGHT ON FIRE?"

Roy's mouth slipped to mumble the words, "Oh...shit..." The curtains were destroyed. Burnt for about four feet from the bottom to a blackened, crumbling crisp, which, when it came in contact with his hand, fell to the ground in a soot-like pile. "Hawkeye is gonna..." His eyes popped instantly back into a sly little look. Just as silently as he had moved to the window, Roy exited the room.

The phone, obviously forgotten, muttered, "Guess what?"

* * *

**Ten minutes later...**

Edward Elric sauntered into Roy's room, but paused. He looked from the empty desk to the burned remnents of what once was a very beautiful curtain, picked out by the first lieutenant herself specifically for her favorite (or, to Ed it seemed anyway, least favorite) alchemist. Ed grinned. Oooh, Roy's in trouble. Again.

His eyes darted to the left. Then the right. Then he checked for hidden cameras. At last, a wide, sly grin spread across the young Elric's face; a grin to have made his half-bother homunculus proud. Quick as a striking snake, Ed slinked to Roy's chair, flopped down in it, and flung his legs up on top of the polished table. It felt so good to be in power.

That's when he heard it.

"Roy! Roy, guess what!"

"Hughes?" Ed picked up the phone.

"Oh, Edo-kun, where'd Roy go?"

"Uhm...dunno. I think Hawkeye killed him."

"Oh." There was a pause, and then, as if it were Ed that Hughes had been meaning to speak to in the first place, Hughes said, "Guess what!"

Ed blinked. "What?"

"Guess what!"

* * *

**In a random room...**

Envy-kun was bored. And he was not only miserable when bored, he was also mischevious. If no one else was causing trouble, then he would have to start some. And it would have to be of great importance, this trouble of his. He sat back in his little chair, thinking.

"I've got it! I'll call the pizza guy and have him bring fifty boxes of pizza to Mustang! No, one hundred!" he reached for the headquarter's phone only to find...

"Edo, guess what?"

"Lieutenant Colonel, I've already 'guessed what' seventy-two times. Are you actually going to spit out-"

"Yo, Hagane no chibi-san."

"Envy, what the hell are you doing on the-"

"Guess what?" Hughes interrupted.

"I was going to order Mustang-sama some-"

"Guess what?"

"Well, Mustang-sama can't recieve any pizza if he's dead-"

"Guess what?"

"Dead? Who killed-"

"Guess what?"

"Hawkeye."

"Oh."

"Wait," Ed said. "Where'd Hughes-"

"Guess what?"

"Nevermind."

"Guess what?"

"Hey, Hagane no chibi, I got a new miniskirt, wanna-"

"Guess what?"

"NO YOU YAOI PERVERT I DON'T WANNA-"

"Guess what?"

Envy snickered. "Aww, chibi is so mean."

"Guess what?"

"STOP CALLIN ME CHIBI YOU PALM-TREE FRE-"

"Guess what?"

"Yo, Crazy dude, wanna come over and see my new miniskirt?"

"Guess what?"

Envy chortled again. ""If you say Guess what, then that means yes."

"Guess what?"

Envy snickered. "See, Edo, HE wants me."

There was the distinct sound of a phone being hung up loudly. Envy blinked. "Who-"

"Guess what?"

"Oh..." Envy paused and sighed. "This is dull-"

"Guess what?"

"What!"

* * *

**At Hughes' Home...**

Hughes, finally at the realization that no one was going to guess what, stopped abruptly. There was a long moment of silence before, after a deep breath and a cheerful grin, Hughes said, "I got some-"

"Honey, it's time to get off the phone," Gracia said.

"Aww, but honey, I-"

"No buts." Promptly, his wife, the only one who could quiet the Lieutenant's absolute madness, grabbed the phone and plopped it on the reciever.

* * *

**Back in Central...**

Envy blinked. "Got some what?" Noticing he was now talking to the dial tone, Envy pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it, confused. He shrugged, then dialed a new number.

"Hey, Greed, it's Envy."

"Yo, Envy, what's up. Wanna pimp some-"

"Guess what?" Envy asked.

"What?"

* * *

"Guess what?"

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: I scrapped the Greed costume. However, I picked up a much more...unique...one. Come to the Writer's Workshop panel on Saturday at 10:00 am during Metrocon. I'm going as the Nina Chimera. And, perhaps, I may even do a double cosplay of not only the Chimera, but the widely popular Death Note Bishounen "Ryuuzaki". Maybe. I'll also be doing a reading of "Ode to Alchemy", premeiring a new FullMetal fiction, and offering advice and tricks to the trade for aspiring writers. If you can, bring with some of your material. I'd be more then happy to read it Also, we'll be having a friendly competition, some guest writers (friends of mine that rock) and a lot more. So, come join us if you're in town. It's gonna be one helluva party._


	30. Sailor Moon Spoof

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:** _Hughes and Havoc are mine, even if the show belongs to FUNIMATION and Arakawa-sensei._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 28: And So the Knock-offs Begin**

_Fighting evil by moonlight, he is the one named...Sailor Ed!__

* * *

_

The street was dark and quiet. Too dark. And too quiet. The streetlights were all unlit and their bulbs were cracked anyway. A tumbleweed rolled down the alleyway. The only thing that moved in the darkness was a gigantic blob, snarling and cowering in the blackness.

* * *

**In Roy's Room at Central...**

"Like, oh my god, you look so sexy in that pink nailpolish!" Envy snickered, tugging on Scar's arm. The cross-dressing homunculus was currently, appropriately, in his usual outfit. He was probably the only one in the room who was.

Scar turned, and gave the foulest glare a human could manage. "I. Hate. Pink." The Ishbalan's fingers, bright pink, contrasted so much with the blue dress he was wearing, and his naturally white/gray hair looked like it had been dipped in blue paint. Two silver earrings hung from each of his ears.

Envy blinked, "Uhm...okay..."

Hughes popped "magically" into the room, wearing a bright red miniskirt and matching tank-top."Like, I brought popcorn! And Havoc!" Havoc, who was indeed being dragged in by Hughes, blinked. His long, yellow gown clung to his bishounen form, and he looked put-off.

"You didn't have to drag me in here."

"Aww, but you wouldn't look at my pictures of Elysia unless I did!" A moment of silence followed this stunning revelation, before everyone started to feel awkward and...

"Hey, guys," Havoc said, settling himself in and regarding them with his always mock-serious look. "If this is Roy's room, then why isn't Roy in it?"

Envy shrugged. "Like I care." Maes and Scar nodded in agreement, Hughes cheerfully shoving great gobs of butter-oozing popcorn into his mouth with a satisfied, yet goofy grin.

Suddenly, the door was flung open and Edward, swear to God, walked in looking worse off then all the others combined. He was in a frilly dress that looked very much like a cross between a miniskirt and a tutu, and was far more a neon pink then even Scar's nail polish. His long blonde hair was pulled up in pigtails, and...there was make-up applied to his boyish face?

"Hagane no chibi-san, glad you could make it," Envy greeted his half-brother more amiably then usual, with that cocky, smug grin on his face to say, "Haha, I've insulted your shortness once more, tiny chibi."

Ed's eyes narrowed at Envy, but then he whirled around to face the others. "We have trouble, everyone!"

"W00T!" Maes cried, jumping up. "I get to look pretty now!"

Envy rolled his eyes, quite noticably as Edward reached out a hand and drew a large transmutation circle on the floor. "Yo, hagane, you don't have to do that, ya know?"

"I know," hissed Ed. "It's for DRAMATIC effect." At the word "dramatic", heavy, "dramatic" music played in the background: Dun, dun, dun...

Envy blinked. "Now I know why i don't watch dramas."

"Okay," Ed said, pointing to the circle. "Everybody stand there. And get down on your knees."

"Oooh..."on your knees", eh, Edo? I didn't know you were into that sort of-"

"I am not!"

Havoc chuckled. "He just wants to be able to "Keep an eye on us"."

Ed snarled. "Just get on the whoop-dee flippin circle."

* * *

**Several minutes and a costume change later...**

"STOP IN THE NAME OF-" Ed yelled at the 'attacker", from atop an unlit streetlamp. He looked, now, much worse then before, in a sparkly white uniformed skirt-dealy with long pink ribbons and fashionable gloves. And pretty angel wings. "Uh...in the name of..."

As if things couldn't get more fruity, Maes yelled, "IN THE NAME OF LOVE!"

Ed blinked, then shrugged. "I guess that works."

Of course, the "sailor scouts" had all assembled in the preformentioned "dark and quiet alleyway" and were now facing the "gigantic blob". Ed was Sailor Moon, Havoc was Venus, Hughes was Mars, Scar was Mercury, and Envy was Jupiter. Each with matching color outfits to the sailor of whom they were spoofing.

"Uh, Edo, what do we do now?" "Venus" asked.

"I dunno, somebody poke it.." "Sailor Moon" replied. He looked back at the other scouts, all of whom were standing on streetlamps as well, a feat which maes Hughes was finding increasingly difficult. This was easy to tell by the fact that he was wobbling all over the place.

They glared back at Ed.

"What?"

"Like hell I'm touching that," Envy replied sharply.

Ed turned to havoc. "Throw your chain of love or whatever at it." Havoc, agreeingly, threw his 'chain of love or whatever" at it, and frowned as he watched the chain go flying way off target. Ed glared at havoc.

"What?" havoc asked. "You never said I had to "HIT" it. You just said "Throw it at-"

The blob, curious, turned around to see where all the noise was, and the entire gang gasped to find that the monster was-

"Edo," Scar asked. "Please tell me you did not gather us all here because Gluttony was trying to eat HIMSELF!"

"Uh...okay, then, I won't...tell you that is..."

There was the sound of many hands smacking many heads as each of the anime characters shook their heads piteously. Hughes, when his paolm came in contact with his forehead, gave a loud squeal and fell off the lightpost backwards, landing heavily on his butt. "I'm OKAY!"

Gluttony, as mentioned before, stood before them on the street, sucking his thumb as if he meant to eat it. He looked over in Hughes direction, then up at Ed. "Can i eat that?" he asked, plainly.

Envy had lost all interest in all of this by now, and, when he had noted that hughes was unconcious in the dirt below from his little fall, the homunculus merely shrugged and started break dancing on top of the lightpost, singing out, totally off tune, "Fighting evil by moon-light...cha cha cha...winning love by..."

"Oh, this is a joke," Havoc whined, glaring in Envy's direction."I'm going home." With a flick of his hand, he whipped off the girly uniform to reveal that underneath he was wearing...his regular State uniform.

"Me too," Scar joined in and the two were about to leave when...

"IT IS I, TUXEDO MASK, COME TO-"

"Give it up, Roy," Ed moaned.

"But I..." Roy whined, popping out of thew bushes in a very dashing looking black cape and matching tophat. "I didn't even get to say my line..."

Ed sighed. "We're not playing dress-up anymore, Taisa..."

"Awww..." roy said. 'that means I don't get to rescue you from sure doom and amaze the fangirls while looking totally sexy?"

"Yep, sorry."

"Damn." Roy paused, then looked up at Ed, a flash going through his eyes like lightning. "Oh...Edo..." he sang.

"What?" snarled Ed.

"Nice miniskirt."

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: I don't know what the hell happened to this story. You ever notice that, back when Ode to Alchemy started, the story actually made sense and now well...you can tell i've lost my sanity. Currently, i'm taking requests for new chapters, seeing as how I've been in a writer's slump lately and am desperate for new ideas. As for the above...o.o;; sorry. Just got...a little...LITTLE...bit bored one day...Note, everyone, sake + boredom + wall of anime pictures bad things...like the above._


	31. A SHORT Apology

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:**_ I've a new obsession. His name is Zolf Kimbree. I don't care if he belongs to Funimation; YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM! MUHAHAHAHAHA!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 31: Apology**

_Don't shoot the messenger...__

* * *

_

Having nearly finished the day, Havoc has been just about to leave the office when the weirdest possible thing in the whole history of the State occurred. Well, maybe it wasn't the weirdest…it certainly didn't beat that one time Havoc had had to go on a date with Armstrong's younger sibling. That was wild. This was just one of those things that left you twitching for days.

He had been picking up his state coat from the back of the chair in Roy's room, hoping against all hope that he would be able to sneak out without any trouble while Mustang was working on what appeared to be some case file or something. Slipping the coat on his being, Havoc crept quietly to the door, and was almost there too when…

"2nd Lieutenant, can you come here for a moment?" Mustang asked, looking quizzically up at Havoc.

Damn! "Uhm, yes sir…what can I do for you, Colonel?" Giving a sheepish grin from behind the butt of a cigarette he'd been chewing on for the last three hours, Havoc couldn't help but add, "Need some help torching your paperwork or something?"

"No," Roy replied, disapprovingly. He reached down with one gloved hand and snatched up a piece of paper, shoving it into Jean's grasp. "Here, read this," he said, forceful. His cold, dark obsidian eyes glared at the officer as if this were a matter of the utmost importance.

"Uhm, sure, no problem, let's see, it goes…_'I called you short, just once more, as you headed out the door'_…" Havoc paused and sweatdropped. "Sir, is this a poem? You must be kidd-"

Mustang motioned for him to finish. Havoc, sweatdropping, gave a sigh and read on.

_"'You'll have to forgive me,  
but I couldn't help it, you see.  
The insult was a slip, I must insist,  
or maybe it was that I truly couldn't resist,  
when I noticed that Buraha, half-grown, outdoes you in size,  
and the top of your head hardly comes up to his eyes!  
But I wrote this for forgiveness, and not for spite,  
so insulting you here doesn't seem just quite right.  
Oh well, I'll claim that I'm laughing WITH you,  
and you're overpaid already, so you can't sue!"_

Setting the paper back down on Mustang's desk, Havoc gave one blink. Two. Silence. "Uh, Mustang…"

"I angered FullMetal so I'm writing a note asking for his apology," Mustang stated, scooping the poem into a nearby pile and shuffling through it in an official manner. "I believe it's quite ingenious if I do say so myself."

"Uh, but, sir, you called the poor shrimp short about five times…"

Roy blinked. "Your point?"

Havoc sighed. 'Uh, nevermind…I'm going home."

"Oh, no, you're mistaken, Lieutenant. You see, I need YOU to deliver it to him. Now."

Havoc, with an incredulous look, snapped back to Roy, and opened his mouth to argue. When the letter was shoved, sealed, into Havoc's hand, and he realized that no amount of argument would bring Roy to drop this duty, however, he sighed defeatedly, and turned around, whimpering. "I just hope the shrimp doesn't shoot the messenger.."

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: Wow...I remember, I wrote that poem about a half a year ago for a poetry slam. There were some good times. Anyways,I apologize for being gone so long. After Metrocon (which kicked ass!) I got swept up in work of other sorts (self-owned rp websites) and the like, and I haven't been able to post. Now, however, I figured what better way to celebrate FMA returning to public airing then via a drabble! Huzzah for drabbles! And huzzah for FMA! Oh, and Zolf the Mad Bomber is mine:hiss:_


	32. Idiot's Game

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:**_ Kimbree-kun, Kimbree-kun. By the way, only five hours until FullMetal Season 3!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 32: Idiot's Game**

_The man whose idea this was will be shot. Then persecuted. then shot again. Just for the fun of it.__

* * *

_

"I suggest a game of hide and go seek."

Ten heads swirled in the Colonel's direction. Edward, Riza, Havoc, Falman, Kimbree, Fury, Envy, Armstrong, Hughes, and Hohenheim all blinked simultaneously.

"Oh, come off it, Colonel, that's a STUPID idea!" Ed blurted.

"I must agree, sir," Hawkeye added. "It is rather childish."

"You all were just complaining about how bored you were…" Roy mumbled. "It is not a bad idea! How about I give a raise to whoever is the last person to be found?"

Group blink. "We're in," said the nine of them.

"Sir, this is childish and absurd," Hawkeye stated, the only one not for the game.

"You'd do it if you were drunk," Roy retorted, holding up his coffee mug and giving it a gentle "swish, swish" back and forth, as if enticing her. In return, he got a bright crimson blush from the Lieutenant.

"That's NOT funny, sir, and it's not true. I'll ask you to please hold your tongue before I shoot it-"

"Great!" Roy exclaimed. "You can be it."

"Now, sir, wait, that's not…" But the room was entirely empty.

* * *

**Five minutes later…**

Fury sighed heavily. "Honest, I don't know how you found me so quick. I chose a good hiding place."

Hawkeye shook her head, holding her gun at shoulder-level and casting a glance about rather boredly, looking to see if any other targets were in sight. "First off, Sergeant Major, a couch is not a good place to hide. Secondly, when someone points a gun in the air and shoots, a good officer knows to STAY behind cover. Not coming running out with his hands up."

Fury blushed. "Oh, yeah, ri-"

At that exact moment, Hawkeye turned her gun towards the left, straight at another couch which lined the hallway, and growled, "Out. Now."

Havoc, sulkingly, trailed out from behind the couch, cigarette twitching. "How'd you find me?", but Hawkeye's gun was still aimed at the couch.

"BOTH of you," she snapped.

Falman slinked out with a sigh, looked at Havoc, and they both shrugged.

"There goes my raise," Havoc grumbled, shrugging and relighting his cigarette. "Now I'll never get a girl."

"Quit whining," Hawkeye commanded, "And help me find the others."

* * *

Alphonse was having a good morning. He'd done a good deed, he'd visited, Ed wasn't anywhere in sight, he didn't have to be worried about being placed in the fanfiction of some hyperactive fangirl, and no one had mistaken him for luggage. Until now.

"Ah, Alphonse," said Hohenheim, who, up until now, had been cruising the hall, looking from left, to right, as if preoccupied by something. "Good timing."

"Uh, hello fath- what are you doing?" Al asked, watching as his father removed the breastplate of his armor, checked inside, and then climbed in, closing up the armor behind himself.

"It's hide and go seek. Just be quiet, alright, Alphonse?"

"I'm not sure about this…"

"Al…" asked Hohenheim before Al could think against it. "Why do you reek of cats?"

Al: O.O "No reason!"

* * *

"Yes, I wuv you too…no, I wuv you more. I do, I do, daddy loves his sweet little angel!" Hughes crooned into the phone, looking up quite agitatedly as some weirdo banged on the glass of the little phone booth in Central lobby. With a gun.

"Out. Now." Hawkeye warned.

* * *

**Meanwhile, outside…**

"Now watch carefully, youngster as I employ the great technique of hide and seek passed down the Armstrong family for generations! This is the technique that shall win I, Alex Louis Armstrong the Strong Arm Alchemist the title of the greatest of hide-and-seek players in all of Central City!"

"I'm watching…" Envy rolled his eyes; first at being called young, second at the man's idiocy. Or perhaps the other way around. He had even more reason to roll his eyes when he found out what this "oh-so-great" technique was. Armstrong, who had a muscular form already, carefully removed one of the nearby nude statues in the courtyard, stepped up, and took it's place and its pose. Thank God he had done so fully-clothed.

Envy smacked his head. "I don't know why I'm even playing," he muttered, turning his head in the direction of the building. At that exact moment, he watched the group of six step outside of the doors of the building, a midget shrimp in the lead. A great grin lit the homunculus' face as he ducked off to the side. "Oop, wait, now I do."

Edward, walking just a few feet ahead of Riza and the others, was mumbling loud obscenities about how it's unfair that he was found just because his fuckin coat stood out like a sore thumb. He was whining this to the others when suddenly a palm tree branch blind-sided him in the face, knocking him entirely off balance and sending him cursing to the ground.

He could have sworn he heard the plant laugh at his misfortune.

* * *

Kimbree and Roy were an easy target. It didn't take Hawkeye long to find evidence of their mischief. A burned picture frame, a blackened toilet seat, recruits running down the hall screaming while lit up like Christmas trees...yep, Mustang's doing. All the crowd had to do was follow the trail of blackened and burnt things in the hallway leading from the bathroom in the first floor hall all the way up to Roy's room in Hall 3. There, after knocking the Miniskirt Monger unconscious with her pistol, Hawkeye attempted to extract an excuse from him to no avail. She whirled on Crimson, who was sitting, covered in burns and licking his wounds like a dog, on the couch, her gun pointed at his head.

"What?" asked Kimbree.

"Thirty seconds. Tell me what happened. Now. Or…" The gun trailed south, slowly, slowly…all the way down to the young male's "sacred" place.

Kimbree gulped. "I stole his hiding place, and he insisted on a fight. It's his fault!" This was emphasized by much pointing at the unconscious Colonel, who was now drooling lazily on the floor. Hawkeye sighed.

"There. The game's done."

"But, Lieutenant, what about…" Havoc started.

* * *

"Father, how long do you intend to stay in there?"

"Snoooo…ree…." Hohenheim, curled up inside Al's armor and snoring lazily, did not even notice the small furry lump which had crawled up Al's leg and was now laying atop him, purring. Alphonse twitched.

"Father, what are you doing in there!" Al sobbed. "BROTHER!"

* * *

**The End **

* * *

_Author's Note: My little sister(aka Hyper Chibi Midget) is forcing me to make her an Edward Elric costume this year for Halloween. Oh well, seems fitting. As for me? I have a few adjustments to make to my chimera costume. I have to add more fur, oh goody. And while I'm at it, I must remember to add about fifty portable fans. It's Florida, it's a giant shaggy dog outfit, I am screwed. Afterwards, I was working on getting the pieces for a Barry The Chopper (Metal) costume, but someone else beat me to it. No good doing a costume that's already been done. Therefore, I will either begin work on a Greed (Metal) costume or one of Camilla's Chimera from the first game. The chimera sounds more fun, but I bring up the point of HEAT again. Screw it all, I'll go as Kaine the parrot. It's been great talking to ya, so, until later everyone!_


	33. Board Meeting II

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

* * *

**_

**DISCLAIMER:**_ I STILL love Kimbree! MARRY ME KIMBREE! MARRY ME! ME! NOT GREED!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 33: Board Meeting the Second**

_Why didn't the movie sell? Was it the gypsies? Was it Hitler? Find out on this week's edition of "A Very Long and Spoilerific Drabble!"_

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Arakawa-sensei, in her always memorable cow-like scribble-form, clambered up to the head of the table, sat down...and cleared her throat. One glance to the left showed Maes Hughes (showing off photos to the unfortunate victim beside him), Roy Mustang (the victim aforementioned), and Alphonse Elric (who looked to be high on caffeine). To the right, Noah (wondering why the hell she got called here), Dietlande (planning to take over the board meeting at the first chance), and Alphonse Heidreich (the passive observer). At the head of the opposite end of the table, an unfortunate Edward, who was passionately trying to hide himself from his creator, who, as always, had brought her trusty magic eraser with her. One wrong move and someone was "erased".

"I have one simple question for all of you," Arakawa stated, flopping down a large stack of paperwork on the table before her. "WHY isn't the FullMetal movie more popular?"A hoof-like fist slammed against the table, and, between two...uh...fingers, Hiromu snatched the first sheet of incriminating paperwork and shoved it in front of her viciously at her assembled audience, who were all cowering, save for Dietlande, who was still scheming. "Look at this! You were beat by POKEMON! POKEMON, for god's sake!"

"Well, Pokemon is quite...you know, popular with the kids..."

"What did we do wrong? I just don't understand it! My animation skills are breathtaking, my character design, top notch! My flare, my majesty – there was nothing left out! The voice-acting was brilliant! I even brought back Hughes! At first i wasn't going to but then..."

Maes paled. "You weren't going to bring me back?" he whimpered.

"Well, I did, didn't I? So...SHUT UP!" This remark was hastily followed by the waving of the magic pencil, which sent Hughes and most of the others scrambling to the floor for cover. Seeing she was getting nowhere, Arakawa sighed, dropped the pencil eraser, and fell back to her seat, furry head in her hoof-like hands. " I just don't get it..."

"Well, boss," Edward ventured, the first one to gain enough courage to speak, "I think it was the whole thing about Hitler...the audiences are sick of movies about that freaking pervert." His language had been a little...violent, but, then again, Ed seriously doubted Hiromu would ever let him meet with Mr. Eraser – he was the star, after all, wasn't he?

A death glare told him better, and even the words chilled him: "What did you say about my storyline, Edo-kun? I can always change the title of the show to "Flame Alchemist", you know. Roy puffed up, gloating, until Edward turned to him and stuck his tongue out, afterwhich ensued the battle of the dimwitted, for neither Roy nor Ed was allowed to fight in front of their creator, and so both had to result to the childish game of "I can stretch my face into something more absurd than you." Hiromu sighed.

"Alphonse, what do you have to say?" she asked, looking for the kind of reliable advice she had designed the younger brother to give.

"I like sugar! Can I have more sugar? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-"

"You know what, maybe we should look at some of the more higher-rated movies nowadays...they might be able to help us decide what's missing," Alphonse Heidreich suggested as Hiromu's hand started to twitch in the direction of the eraser. She paused.

"You know, Al, that's not such a bad idea. What's in the box offices right now?"

"Let's see..." Alphonse, always prepared, pulled out a sheet of paper with the movie listings on it, and began to scan the list for something suitable for Arakawa to spoof. "There's Memoirs of a Geisha."

"But it's already a foreign film!"

"Uh...boss..." Heidreich sweat dropped, "That's not the point."

"What do you mean?"

"Haven't you seen Memoirs of a Geisha?"

"No; I don't get out much; I've told you that! Here, let me see that paper!" Alphonse passed the paper down the table, and for a moment there was silence as Arakawa regarded the news, except for the continual raving of the other Alphonse, Al Elric, about how much he loved sugar. "What about Harry Potter? I heard that's a good movie. We could put magicians and kick ass special effects in the next movie – you know, Edward fights Hitler with shiny magic in Technicolor."

"Uh, sensei..." Roy pointed out, "We already use "magic", and no one wants to see Hitler as it is, so why would they want to see him in Technicolor?"

"Hmph! Then what about Chronicles of Narnia? We could throw in some talking animals."

Edward, cocky, replied, "Wasn't a talking Envy-Dragon enough? I suppose you could ask him to come back as a talking squirrel..."

Hiromu blinked. "Aw, Envy-sama would be so adorable!"

Ed sweat dropped, along with several others at the table, and replied, "I was kidding."

"Oh...well then, what about if we made it a horror movie? Lots of blood and gore and people sneaking up on-"

"Wasn't killing my mother enough for you?" Edward cried, somewhat taken aback. Hughes, in unison, stated, "Wasn't killing me enough?"

"Oh. Point taken. Hmm...Hey, i heard Broke back Mountain won an Academy Award."

Dead silence for one, two, three...and...

"THERE IS NO WAY I AM KISSING -insert male character name here-" all the men cried in unison.

Noah giggled. "Aw, Mustang and Elric, that'd be so cute!" Hiromu looked over at her and nodded. "See," Arakawa noted, "Noah gets my idea, but I was actually thinking of Heidreich coming back and kissing Edward-"

Three things happened simultaneously. The first was that Heidreich went paper-white. Second, Edward Elric bolted about three feet away from the said Alphonse (just in case). Thirdly, Noah, all fun and games gone, leapt from her seat to land right behind Alphonse, snarling and clutching him. "MY ALPHONSE!"

Hiromu blinked. "Okay then...Edward, I guess that means you and Roy will have to-"

"You're NOT serious..." Edward muttered. "Me, kiss that-that..."

"Come on Edward," Hughes chided, "It'd be the tale to end all tales. Roy Mustang, who's lost his Edward, decides to cross the gate and ends up in Elric's pants...how touching." Fake sniffling, Hughes moaned, "It makes me want to cry...so much..." More confused blinking from everyone else.

"Yes, Ed, it sounds...intriguing," Mustang said. "Care for a try?"

"No. Thank. You."

"Aw, chibi, don't be like that!" A disembodied, but familiar voice chimed in. "It's as easy as one," a shadowy figure fell from the ceiling, "-two," the color, returning to the lithe figure's form gave proof that it was none other than Envy, "-three!" And, on the final count, the homunculus leapt at Edward and seized the boy's lips in a passionate kiss, drawing down a censored sign from the ceiling before this poor author could give away too many details.

Dead silence again, and then a muttered, hushed, "Damn..." from Roy. When at last Envy dropped the censored sign, and Edward, gazing in stupefied fright darted to a corner in chibi-style to hide, Arakawa turned back to the assembled. "Okay...I was thinking it was a good idea, but this little interruption gave me an idea. Why don't we keep FullMetal straight from now on? Agreed?"

Various nods.

"Ugh..." murmured Alphonse Heidreich, "I'm gonna be sick..."

"Well, I think it's safe to say that the meeting is officially-" Arakawa started, but then squealed with terror, "ENVY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Run, run as fast as you can, chibi, 'cuz I'm going to catch you!" Evil laugh. Envy, being his devious self, had now gotten a hold of the eraser, and was chasing Ed about the room, waving it like a maniac. Ed was screaming for someone to help him. And, as always, panic ensued. Alphonse Heidreich, who had an extremely low tolerance for yaoi, darted out of the room to the bathroom. Alphonse Elric screamed something about needing sugar and left as well. Roy, who had always been waiting for his chance to make Edward's life a little more... "exciting", began to snap fire behind the young alchemist as he darted out of the reach of the eraser. Noah left after Heidreich, and Hughes...well, Hughes was being Hughes.

"At last, my chance has come!" Dietlande shrieked and leapt onto the table."I am the almighty and powerful-"

"DEAR GOD MY ARM!" Edward screamed.

"Don't worry, Edo!" Hiromu called, as she trailed the homunculus, the flames, and the alchemist. "I'll draw it back!"

Dietlande sweat dropped. "You people have no respect for greatness." Stepping off the table, she sighed and stated, "I'll be in my dressing room."

"MY OTHER ARM!"

"YOU DON'T NEED IT ED, I PROMISE!"

"MUHAHAHAHA RUN CHIBI, RUN!"

Dietlande was about a foot into the hall before, suddenly, a streaking figure (clothesless that is) that just happened to resemble the younger Elric, went bolting down the hall, a giant tin of sugar in his arms and a metal suit of armor hot on his heels that was recognizable only as our dear Barry the Chopper. Both were screaming unintelligibly. "Why," Dietlande muttered, "Why, oh why did I show up to work this morning?" She shook her head, dropped the dressing room idea, and headed for the bar. The sooner drunk, the better.

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**The End **

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_Author's Note: Heya, everyone. Long time, no chat. Let's see, Christmas came and went, my birthday's come around and left again, and now we're preparing for the new Metrocon! squee! New news...hmm, I still love Kimbree. Other than that, I've been collecting anime box sets nowadays. I have the full series of Descendants of Darkness, Mirage of Blaze (both excellent yaoi), Kaleido Star, and both complete seasons of Magic Knights Rayearth. Not bad, huh? as for this year's convention, i tried out for the chess match. Cross your fingers, guys and gals! My costumes this year are Bonta-kun from Fumoffu, and The Fool from dear Kaleido Star! Hope to see you there!_


	34. Emo

_**Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)**_

_**A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

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**DISCLAIMER:**_ Two years later...I still do not own FullMetal Alchemist. But you fucking die if you touch my Kimbree. Because he may have died in the anime, but he is kicking some major Ishbalan butt in the manga. And he is...oh...so...sexy...drool_

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**Chapter 34: State Headquarters: Where The Grass Is So Emo, It Cuts Itself**

_Some days, it just sucks to be a State Alchemist._

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It was another typical morning at the Eastern Headquarters - bright sun outside the window, birds chirping pleasantly, lesser officers wandering the hall caught up in happy debates and showing off their various implements of mass destruction, all that jazz. It seemed like the perfect day. The kitchens had even ordered out this morning, so there were generous heaps of eggs and bacon and other discernible foods littering the mess hall tables as opposed to the gelatinous slop the men had grown so (unfondly) accustomed to. The general populace was joined entirely in frivolous peace and excitement.

Well, excluding some.

Roy Mustang, the commander of the particular headquarters in question, stood in his room, drumming his fingers on his table, thoughtfully. He looked like hell. Like hell that is, in the manner of mussed hair, bloodshot eye, and rumpled clothes. He stroked the eyepatch over the missing eye, frowned, then said, "Hawkeye. Close the curtains."

"Why, sir?" she asked. "It's a nice day out."

Roy pouted. "Can't see it. No eye."

"Taisa," she said, pointedly. "You still have an eye."

"Yeah, but I don't like that eye."

"Sir..."

"Leave me alone in my unhappiness!" Roy wailed dramatically. "Just close the goddamn curtains!"

"SIR-" Hawkeye tried again.

"I hate my life. It sucks. Where's my coffee?"

"You think YOUR life sucks!" Havoc groaned, rolling toward the staff table. "I'm the one in the wheelchair!"

"Yes, but, Lieutenant, you can still see. And you don't need those parts anyway," indicating darker images.

"My legs?!" Havoc blurted innocently.

"Oh, yeah," Roy said, as if suddenly remembering, and groaned, putting his head in his hands.

Riza sighed heavily. "Sir, you can't stay like this forever."

"Like what?" Mustang asked indignantly.

"I believe the proper word for it is "emo"."

"Emo?" Roy asked. "What the fuck is that?"

Breda laughed from over at the other end of the staff table. "Well, you know those kids who stand around in the street -"

"The Ishvaruns?" Kimbree piped up.

Breda gave him a look of disgust. "No. But those kids that wear all black and stand around looking serious all the time." Roy was still staring at him blankly. Breda continued, "Come on boss, you know, with the funny hair...always cutting things...you know, emo?"

There was a long pause, and then Roy Mustang jumped to his feet, upsetting his chair and, white with shock, he blurted: "I am NOT a homunculus!"

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"Hey, Major," Fury asked Armstrong as he came into the lunch room, observing the glorious day outside amidst bites of cheese-devoured omelet.

"Yes?" Armstrong asked, flexing. "How may my marvelous muscles be of assistance?"

Fury sweatdropped. "I just want to know...who mows the lawn?"

"What?"

"You know, the grounds of headquarters? It's always freshly mowed. Who does that? Do we have like a lawn-cutting alchemist?"

"As a matter of fact..." Armstrong said.

"Question withdrawn." Fury concluded, and wandered off, to the jeers of the comrades in the nearby vicinity.

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The End

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_Author's Note: Ho shit, everybody! It's been a year and a half at least. How the hell are you? Or better yet, are you even still here? Or did you give me up for dead months ago? Gomensai!! I love you very much!! So do not leave me alone or I shall turn into a homunculi like Roy. Ahem. As for OtA, I'll be updating twice a week from now until the end of the summer, at least, so I hope you enjoy. If you have any requests for things you'd like to see, please share - I love new ideas. Haha...Roy IS emo. But we love him. Thus, read the fiction, kids, eat your veggies so you won't be short like Edward...Oh, and watch the Chibi Party OVA if you get a chance - I swear Arakawa gave them all Roy's coffee. ;;  
_


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